control

Image from Pankaj Vij's Turbo Metabolism

I think I said this at this time last year.  I say it when we go backpacking. I know I have felt that so much of the key to more effectively coping is finding a way to bring those things that I learn time and time again when I take time to focus on my health. Eight days and what matters is how I feel about myself and the people around me.

Strangely enough controlling my stress means less control in relationships.

Today I am grateful for all the people of 2019.

the annual cleanup of the clearing

Today I am grateful that we have the ant story, that she taught me how to mop causing only mild disappointment when she explained it was a dance, and that I did the hill and it was okay to be late.


On the sixth day I realized I had not consumed any caffeine in two days. Before doing this the worst headache I ever had was caffeine withdrawals. Yesterday was the easiest of all the days.

Except for the ants, but we got to laugh and there has to be some type of cardiovascular benefit to that.

when other people really write

The Miseducation of the American Boy by Peggy Orenstein is a good read on the subject of boyhood, manhood, daddies, mamas, teachers, coaches, preachers, and jokesters everywhere. It definitely makes me look at myself and how I could have done better.

He says, "We have to do better."



Today I am grateful to still have a chance to do better.

reading kindly

Though it claims to be in it's 13th year, and I have no claims against it, I would like to go ahead and mention that it may be my favorite read this year. I'm grateful I found it or it found me or however things turn us into readers.


The top reading website for 2019 as claimed by the least read website is...

drumroll, please...

Brain Pickings.

genetics: get out there and explore. find a creek. listen. you need it.

I come home and cheat, the rest of the rotisserie chicken with ranch and A1, and I eat blindly only lit by the screen while I am editing photos. I'm giving myself a treat though I already did something wrong. I took grapes to a game, pulled them out and offered them to the people around me. It was after 5:00; they are a high sugar fruit. Only one lady took one. I had to eat the rest. 7 huge grapes.

The drive home and 1/3 of a bird.

It was the salt. I wanted the salt. So I cheated and took it. More up and downs today. Look sternly at myself in the mirror. Point at that face. Shake the finger and understand it's the removal of salt and the stress of leaving the house, but he said, "Have fun," and I was determined to. Plus, it was the kids. I got to see the kids.



And I got to tell you that you're okay and realize you probably don't believe me.
I have very little credibility. We'll get through this.



Today I am grateful for a kid, kids, the agreement we all have that nobody is without struggle, that perfect ain't ever gonna happen, and that at the end of the day, any of them, we are just here and there doing the best we can.

listen. control your breathing.

Listen to the aches and pains, he writes. Your body speaks to you.
Yes, it is very clear.

2 Aleve

Yesterday my body revolted in a manner that was so violent and anxiety ridden and there's nothing sexy about it. A sugar addiction into no sugar has what some may call a diabetic addiction or metabolic disorder to say the least, but in my words - medical necessity.  Save me, Aleve.

It did, and now it's clear. There is the rebellion of give me what you've been giving me.

And then my don't want to say it answer, "Ten up and downs. The first five are go hard. Go hard, give it all you got. The next three is I didn't even know she could do that. And the last two - that's when you can slow it down and claim it as yours."


She does. We all do. Claim it as ours.
But her. She ran those last two, as hard as she would run any others.



Today I am grateful for a hill that can feel like a mountain and a suggestion from a friend.

mitochondria

We have it, footage of the kill.
Scary, she says.
Very cool, he replies.
And I do. I call her a murderer as I smile.
But she's not putting up with me.
She pretends to use the carcass as a punching bag.
Then asks me if I want it.
Yes. I've been begging for this.


Today I am grateful for the kill and the bounty which will feed us at breakfast and make some chili.

drink your water decorations

There are no bells ringing, only words in a book and that old feeling of take it slow, one day at a time, it will get better. Pankaj Vij is not as good as the last guy but it's all the same with a few extras so here we go. No, I go down a dark path of one quart of water, no ice before anything else this morning.

Wildly Important Goal: Be physically better two months from now on my 50th.
How will I measure?


Today I am grateful for tap water without ice, a quart jar in deep contrast.

last party of the season

It is pleasant, and this is where we needed to land. Everyone needed a soft place.

Today I am grateful for two young women who said they're willing.

tis the season

Today I am grateful for Jonathan.

500 piece puzzle, day one

Everyone needs a Lenny Bruce in their life. You know them when you see them.




Today I am grateful for a ride to the grocery for his birthday. I am grateful to see her, to laugh with her, to hug her mama, and play with my grandchild. I am grateful he already had plans, and I got to have none because Lenny knows that life is sometimes better when you just allow it to happen.


"Trust the process," he says.



I am grateful for Lenny.

finally

He burned the pizza.
I ordered the book.


Today I am already grateful for the day I will see him again.

scorched earth

Of all the diseases of the mind the one of insatiable need can leave a person reeling, and the expectations - well, no one can fill them. So that's why you have to be alone. Silent.

Except for this writing.



Today I am grateful for a couple of weeks.

afternoon coffee

It's the most proper I am all week.


Today I am grateful for a shiny wood floor, a chair I can pull my feet into, the cups we drink from, and time with her.

led

It's midweek of the last week and the slowest day.

"Innovative," he says.



Today I am grateful for leadership.

vulnerable

Today I am grateful that the house stood, the roof held, and we were spared.

resolution one

I will call it a deprivation of the sensory type, and it's presence will ensure that the following interaction will thrill, excite, leave in it's wake a heart filled with gratitude. And every day I will say thank you for that and wear the butterfly purse to remind me of my effect.


Today I am grateful for a job.

shindig

The year we ignored Granny's heart attack she turned eighty-six, kissed Santa, and asked if he was married.


Today I am grateful for babies dressed up as trees, for glasses with eyelashes, bells for hands, and Santa walking through the door. And food.


Dear, sweet, baby Jesus, Happy Birthday, pass the dressing.

a little peace

I call to say thank you for the week, and he says, "You're welcome."
Can he hear me smile through the phone?
"6%," he says.
"3," I tell him.




Today I am grateful for a Christmas tree that I can singlehandedly take from a closet to the top of a cabinet, a gift from my mama. I am grateful for four gifts under the tree, three wrapped by someone else, one still needing to be wrapped by me.

parts

There was that part which said he doesn't know what you're asking.
Then another part that was hoping he did.
The part saying go, you knew it was right in the direction of where you would but shouldn't.
So you don't.


It's Friday, and there's music, plans, and gratitude.

tis the season

Today I am grateful for logic and how it's coming this weekend.

also,

Today I am grateful for a dancing baby, the shine of brass, and sitting on the carpeted floor of a fancy office.

once here

"Choose wisely and treat nicely," mama tells her.


Today I am grateful for conversations.

what got you here

He asks, "Why do you need yesterdays?"

"Because yesterday we got to pull a car over in the dark on a major highway and change a tire and I was so proud of how that young woman handled herself to the point when she was taking off that lug nut she said in a matter of fact way, 'I don't need no man.'"

"So that's what you are teaching her? Double negatives, and she shouldn't like men?"

"No. I talk about love and how completely frustrating men and life can be, but I never say you might not want their opinion. You have to consider your important things. The big rocks. And yes on the double negatives."

He laughs.

"Today's list includes getting that tire looked at. Plus, she's already committed to driving me from the nursing home to the physical therapist though she was heard saying, 'Physical therapist? Whatever. We're going to have to worry about your bed sores.'"

I love her.


Today I am grateful for that kid and a kid brother.
I do have to work towards a goal.
Problem solve to a solution in my life.

It's good to sometimes think about what got us here because what will get us to where we are going is at least partly paved with the gratitude we give for it.

___________________________________________________________


She says, "You do it every time. It's what you expect from people. You build them up in your own mind to the point they couldn't even if they tried. "

He says, "You wish they would try."

I laugh before I respond, "I'm sorry for how I have hurt you. That was not my intention, but I have learned my lesson. You never have to say anything else but good morning and I love you to me ever again. I can do the same."

be particular

It's a particular person to a particular group. They sit out in the coldest of weather and the darkest of times to watch what until last week could be a grueling eighty minutes with only one break when I finally met them, those particular people who fall in love with a group of kids and weather whatever to cheer them.

Today I am grateful for what Mr. Hardy Turner told the then young Othar Turner.

"Take care of yourself, be particular, tend to your business, just let the other fellow's alone. It takes you twelve months to tend to yours. Son, be good. Be careful. Be mindful of how you treat people. Treat people like you wish to be treated, and you're successful."
Source

the want to

It's that one thing you suspect may be at the root of all happenings, every last one of them.


Today I am grateful for rest, a clean home, music to fill it, and groceries.

on death or it's Friday

The only way to start today is to give up thinking everyone is going to get everything they think they need. It'll be okay. We'll all make it or not. I could have a heart attack.

Just know this:
I died grateful.



Today I am grateful for opportunity to do what I consider my best and to even fail that at times.

another day, another thank you

Today I am grateful for a phone call, a laugh, a nap.

no problem

Today I am grateful for what a nice guy he was, potato soup, seven hugs, and healing.

seeking solution

I want to. I may do it. If I only have five months, then why not just ask how do I empower you.


Today I am grateful for honest questions when I am at a loss of what to ask or do.

another bird

Return music.

jump

Anyone that swam that creek knew that the only way to get in the water was to jump.


Today I am grateful for lessons I learned from being raised near a creek.

work eve

Have you ever felt like you should have been working when you weren't working?

Today I am grateful for one more day of feeling that way.

the sun enters stage left

Today I am grateful for a doctor, medicine, a bed, lots of pillows, a prediction of rain, a hike before it, a shower, electricity, internet, coffee, washing powder, and Netflix.

nostalgia

Today I am grateful for a belly laugh.

Hayduke Trail

"All it takes is a tiny little patch of shade, but it makes a pretty good break spot. A lot of what the wilderness teaches us - it kinda just comes down to being aware of our own thoughts and having a little bit of control over them. Humans are very habitual creatures and we develop patterns in order to save work but since there is so much variability in the wilderness it forces us to approach each task as it's own problem. At first it might be kind of overwhelming and very mentally draining to confront each problem individually instead of running a predetermined pattern of behavior but over time that approach itself becomes a pattern and then it becomes automatic, and this approach can deal with a variety of problems. It takes a lot more information into account and I think it produces better outcomes."
Money Shot, or Alex Maier

of all the giving thanks on thanksgiving

She writes: Tell her what you're thankful for and your favorite Thanksgiving memory.

There's no way.

I am thankful for a walk, three girls, wailing on a church road, grapes, graham crackers, and chocolate covered pretzels. I am thankful for a kid, his wife, music, and how love and today.
Today will have to be it.


I am grateful for thanksgiving on this day in the history of all the world of days.

odds in favor, note to self

Turn off the music. Stand straight enough to create energy with your muscles, your bones, your cartilage, your ventricles, everything, just everything. Reach up by pushing that way and send through you  a wish, a shout, a whisper, a hope that whoever you need to be okay is okay and it's going to be alright and we'll look back on this and laugh.


Today I am grateful for medicine and doctors and that healing is not only possible, it happens frequently.

soundtrack

If a group of people were to possibly look at each other and say we have to have a song from here, it would be What You Don't Do from Lianne La Havas. If a t-shirt is created, it will have a list of things. A cat, a key, lots of birds, and a jar.


Today I am grateful for three women, two others and anyone else who allowed us that time together.

fishing

Today I am grateful for a day with the birds.

gone fishing

Today I am grateful for water, sand, wind, and friends.

the everafter

Today is the day, that day, the one of the 5,4,3,2...load up and head to work.


Today I am grateful for work and all that comes after it.

present and future in 5, 4, 3, 2,

Today I am grateful for sloppy joes, crisp dill slices, photographs, and rainbows.
I am grateful for new names and old friends and two more days until I see them.
And a nap.
Lots of naps.
I am grateful for a future of sleeping in a bed after a bath with candles and music.

reasons

Today I am grateful for a day of stories, for playing catch up on a program, for a sport, for a key to a building, and for that hour I thought I lost my phone. I am grateful she blocked my car in, a surprise hug, and more work than I'll ever get done.

a day we sing

It will be a message, a voicemail, and I will sing the song as no other has ever sung that song because at least five times a year I try to top the last performance.

So here goes, baby.

Happy Birthday to you.
Happy, happy birthday to you, you, you.
That's right. YOU.
From the woman who took your $15 and didn't even send you a card.


(yet)


Seriously. It's coming. Maybe.



Happy Birthday to you.



Today I am grateful for someone who has put up with me for 28 years. Others have done longer time but only few have been exposed to the harsh reality of me breaking down on the trail and even sometimes in life and then quietly watching and many times helping pick me up off the ground. He should never have had to, but you can never say thank you enough for a guy like that. Or I can't.

the dramatic countdown five in the favorite time of year

They laughed and agreed and it's almost here. We are almost there.

Work first.


Today I am grateful that he got a job, I have a job, and the garbage gets picked up Monday.
I am grateful for the crisp, cool air.

snotty nosed kids

She gets caught not in briars but harmless little stick thingies or that's what we call them. They end up on our hats, our coats, our gloves, in our hair until we walk backwards down our favorite road. I force them to talk about time and they talk at the same time and she wore her gloves on her feet and she went barefoot the last half mile.

He typed, "Phone was destroyed. Got my old one working again though. All is well. Ranger test went well but didn't get the job."


She asks, "How was his phone destroyed?"


I didn't even ask.



Today I am grateful for snotty nosed kids.

the day's resolution

I do hereby resolve in the most legal and wordy way to stop treating time as if it's my enemy, as if it will never give me enough to do and get everything I want and need and that by doing so it would diminish for anyone else anywhere they may be.


Today I am grateful to sweep, to bake, to hike, to write, to enjoy my time right here, right now.

relax

It's that time with those people when we kick back and enjoy the company of being on the beach. We can't do that without her and I try to say it and I don't know if I mess up but we're not going to do it without her.


Today I am grateful for an opportunity and a plan and a week.

whisper

"Love more," he whispers.



Today I am grateful for work.

climb

"I got what I needed instead of what I wanted and that's just about the best kind of luck I think you can have." Cormac McCarthy


Today I am grateful for a book, a dining room light, a thick blanket, electricity, heat, internet, and extra time.

evaluation

I didn't realize how much I would like it, people's views of how I do my job and it's not that I want the criticisms to be my favorite part but I like when someone can find something wrong that I haven't noticed before. The others feel like love notes between me and all my friends.

There is one about improvement that is so could be anything and everything I do but that person says they know I'm willing to take constructive criticism. And I wish I could scream yes, yes, yes through the anonymous system.

Then there's the she knows how to take good photos and she is in control of the people she takes photos of.

Oh, how I want his/her/their suggestions.


Today I am grateful for evaluations.

note to nana

I wish I could see you see him. I smile when I think about it.
Today I am grateful for a home and a family.