this will be

 Today I am grateful for food, rest, home and education.

listening

If the last time we ever saw each other was that time it was just you and me in your room and you picked up that dry erase marker and drew the line representing the mountain and explained how people need to be taught that the struggle is where much more time is spent and you smiled and I smiled behind masks and I walked away, 

I'd hate it but I can take it.

Sleep won't be an issue. 

"You don't find peace first," he says.

I think this is one of those times that I recommend the audio book and he is I don't even know how to finish this sentence. David Goggins Can't Hurt Me, yes.

Today I am grateful for uncommon people.

cutting costs and expending energy

 Math. I hate math but it is that of which the world is made up, and it has to be done.

Today I am grateful for the ability to do simple math and the paper to put it on.

82 degrees and rain this weekend

 

I have to give myself something today. Gift myself with a goal and a plan because Goggins is about a push  physically and mentally. I woke up today to a muscle seizing and screaming for me to get out of bed and drink water. I'm giving myself water today. And 16 miles, four at a time.

Today I am grateful for a push, a call from the kid and a house party with dancing. 

failing but not quitting

 If you could count three hours of cleaning, the cleaning of you have to cover your everyday clothes, orange jumpsuit, pressure washer, loud noises, I almost burnt up the motor kind of job as one of the Goggins Challenge twelve. Like maybe I could clean screens for an hour.

Then yes, I got in about two and a half hours yesterday and I know the fever broke last night and I have to step it up but I'm just glad Goggins isn't here.

Today I am grateful for crisp celery, water from a glass jar, yesterday's mercy and today's potential. 

four times

 Today I am grateful for blood cells and a heart to pump them. I am grateful for a fever because though it means I have been invaded, it also means that my body has defenses. I am grateful to understand that I can control the controllable, as Inky says.

Now is when Goggins would chime in.

"Get."

at the edge where the road is closed

Today I am grateful for the freshest air, the bluest sky, sunlight and the color green. I am grateful to walk with family and feel the laughter we share. I am grateful for how I knew your eyes would light up when I told you about the Goggins Challenge and how you still answer the phone after all these years. I am grateful that you calmly walked from my car to your truck while saying, "I don't know why we were thinking about that anyway."

I am grateful for that day.

potential at complete and total failure but maybe, maybe, maybe one hope, nah. Yes.

I filled out three of four job applications/questionnaires which turned out to be surveys which I don't know. You know. 

Today I am grateful for a little hope from someone who could maybe use my help and I could be there listening. Maybe live in a dorm room. Trek across a beautiful campus in the morning but here I have him and them. Maybe just Vegas. Lex, please.  Let me video. Let me put that video together for you. Please pay me to do the Goggins Challenge.

Dear Lex,

I want to be challenged. I want to go to university. I want to go to Vegas. I am training for Goggins as well. Well, not while I am typing this. 

Dear Survey, 

I'm avoiding training.

Dear a year older,  

Technology flew past me back there somewhere ago. Please be gentle.

Dear Self,

Three times today.

Love,

me

the comment I should've left for Sally

 Two things.

Sally from Sally's Baking Addiction knows a naked German Chocolate cake.

But I did two things.

I used the expresso powder and the hot coffee (definitely pluses) but I put the vanilla in the coconut pecan filling too soon and I may use a little more heavy cream in the buttercream next time.

Next time.

Today I am grateful to learn from my losses and understand there is always room for improvement but Sally rocks. I am grateful for Sally, too.

I don't know, in response

 I'm not in on the secret. I have very little idea of what occupying my future may hold other than the baker, plumber, contractor, smashed potato fixing, double birthday party throwing love and avoidance of so much that is important to my health until this David Goggins thing. It's like you said, "It's just interesting enough to sound doable but I need to make sure it's almost not."

David Goggins was a name both my brother and Lex Fridman brought up. Then there were the Reddit comments and Goggins' twitter feed. The videos.

It's just what am I going to do. He runs, but last year Fridman threw in a martial arts training session for one of the runs. My first thought is that I want to mix my 4x4x48 up. Goggins has me planning forty-eight hours of my life fifteen days ahead of being panicked about a career, a calling, a you may be shooting a little lofty there, self. Calm the hell down and work. I can just hear Goggins in my ear.

Step 1. Draw up a plan with goals. Work around that plan. Training must include exercise intervals.  Today double yesterday by doing what you did twice, four hours apart. Get a watch, me.

I did half of what I should have done yesterday and I have a million excuses today but Goggins would not hear of it. That guy is serious. 

"Your why?" He asks and immediately answers, "Your why is lazy."

Today I am grateful for little jobs and big ones.

unreasonable reason to train, memo 2

Goggins is doing four miles every four hours for forty-eight hours. Hines is doing loading, chasing and building footwork that is phenomenal. Those two things need to combine in my life.

Today I am grateful for a path that is not the Appalachian Trail but difficult and physical and pushing past limits. 

working off debt

It's the writing. I am wrapped in that show for the writing. And I think I am at the point that I just hope Sam Esmail is a decent man.

 

Today I am grateful for the opportunity to stretch, push, pull, wash, sweep and mop.

puddles

 

Yesterday we fell in them. Today we know how deep they are.

one good shot

 Today I am grateful for a snow day and the second time I've wanted to pick up my camera in a week.

get to work - Math Monday, karate kid

"Ledger," he says.

I think I know the potential rate of my dollar value, though I have admitted several times in the past year I am not near as smart, cute or funny as I once thought I was. So, it could be less but a funny question to ask  myself when I begin looking at my current expenses and the bathroom wall.

"Pay yourself first," he says before buying me a twelve pound bucket of wallboard joint compound.

Today I am grateful for solutions.

when we made up

 She is that last mile and that struggle to the top. "What if I don't like to clean?"

"Okay, but stay out of my way 'cause we're doing this for your mama."

Later, "Can I have some water so I can replace all of it that came out of my eyes?"

Today I am grateful for cleaning and creating systems, hot water, breakfast, her visit and a day off. 

Saturday work

 Today I am grateful to sleep, sweep, mop, dust, fold and hang out with a bunch of comics and philosophers and potential musicians, artists, doctors, teachers and whatever else these people become.

line 2

 Made and got my first work phone call yesterday. 

Today I am grateful for a job and an opportunity to say thank you.

special treat, holiday bonus

It's the toy room. I did it. I cleaned the toy room.

Today I am grateful for a young woman and her baby and my mama and we'll call this vacation.

not the impossible - memo one - relax into work

 I can drink too much coffee. It's a thing, but it won't be a thing if I drink all of my water.

Proud Mama Cleaning

memorandum no. 1

topic: Wednesdays

If you drink a cup of coffee, you must drink 32 ounces of water before the next cup of coffee. 

Keep it simple but do the work that makes your mama proud.

Today I am grateful for family.

tidal wave of energy

 Can I say I left a system and not say I left kids?

Can I mention I left a cell phone?

No excuses. I created excuses in that job. And it all goes back to that stupid Steve Jobs commencement speech. Always that in the end for me.

Today I am grateful to have a small life with little jobs where big people in lonely places are not asking serious questions of me. I fail that test every time. 

I'm telling

 "Ohhhhh, losing everyone's respect. Losing the respect of the people you know and the people you don't. It's a shitty feeling. Trust me."

First season of the four grueling seasons described by two respected movie critics as "it only gets darker."

"In hindsight, maybe I shouldn't have suggested it," you now say.

I hate that I watch Mr. Robot to be able to type some of that writer's words. Dang.

Today I am grateful for writers, typists, producers, creators, keyboard engineers and a seven year old kid who helped me create my cover letter and resume. No, it wasn't on file. I was ill prepared. Daddy and I discussed that. He is correct.

list of let's talk, kid

 "Hike. Yes."

"Appalachian Trail thru hike time is March ish."

"Nope, not on the list but thank you for the laugh."

Today I am grateful for the funniest guy I know. Funny is important because I am also grateful for the kid who is going to laugh when I tell her what he said.

Daily kennel clean? How much?

I need a watch or a mobile sundial. 

I think a straight up old school Timex. 

I want three hands and all twelve numbers.

clean

I have to replace that habit by working on the floor of a system. The one where the kids put their bare feet and we make bracelets. What I need is to get down on my knees and scrub. I can definitely do that.

Today I am grateful for the woman who was the hardest to tell. She taught me how to work.

Now I have to tell the kid. I'll start the conversation with, "This could be funny, baby. Remember? This is mama's old number. It's the house phone."

rest

 Today I am grateful for three girls who climbed and created and ate apples and watched movies and asked, "Are you asleep?"

And giggled when I said, "Yes."

life at your feet

 Today I am grateful for an afternoon and an evening, a break and a listen. I am grateful for someone else's time, and life ain't easy and yes, spoiled. I wholeheartedly admit it. I am grateful for the quiet after you speak.

we always said we were headed there anyway

 Today I am grateful for the coffee, the timer, the game, the camera. I am grateful for six foot seven and five foot six and I am grateful for a good back and strong legs and a challenge to be better than I ever thought I could be. We'll see. I am grateful for the kid who fell in our laps and the houses I could clean.

the day I fell at work I was wearing boots

 I'll give him this. He tried to ignore me. I said at least three times in front of everybody, "I'll race you." Called him out by name. Know his mama. Told her the story. Made my mama smile fifteen miles away. There is video evidence. She has it, and I don't want to see it but I may need to slow it down and stop racing children, especially those who are especially fast. 

Today I am grateful for one gym of laughter and two strawberries - one per knee. I am grateful for a story to tell my kid and a reason to keep doing the hill.

the thought of a Sunday on a Monday

 Today I am grateful for a day of napping and washing and slowing it down and getting ready for the potential of a week.

My shoulders rose and my back arched just at the thought of it, in response.