thank you for the music

It's as if the kids know more than we do.

afterparty shorthand

I have nine dollars. He has ten. In the ride there he points at the front window. "Like that. It's a good photo. The sky, the lights. You see?"

"Yes. Yes. But it's a tricky shot 'cause those lights need to be exactly as you see them." This is before I find out he is supposed to be wearing glasses. "Come down as far as you can on your ISO. You're not using a tripod and this is when you would need to unless your hand is steady which it is. Your shutter needs to be open as long as you can stand it. Work up from there."

He makes sense of a confusing sentence while I shoot an example when we get off the bus.

Then he takes the shot.

Photograph courtesy of Javante Charles

Today I am grateful that tomorrow he was born eighteen years ago and somehow I got a chance to meet yet another phenomenal young man with a light in his eyes.

confessions

Four and a half hours of one nap doubling the other and that one followed by the same amount of relaxing. But at some point I was going to have to type, edit, post, upload, hear my name, look up and say,

"Yeah."

She's leaning against the fence. Smiling. I recognize her face. "May I ask you a question."

"Yes," I wave a finger at the computer, raise my eyebrows as if she knows my secret language of Do you mind if I work while I listen? Ridiculous, but she does and lets me know by nodding. I look down at my computer, choose the next photo and hear,

"Why do you take pictures of people?"

Again. I look up and see such a kind, sincere face on a head that's tilted as if it's a great Friday night and it is.

What you know at this point is that you must, must search your heart for the deepest answer to let this child know you are sincerely, best song ever written, how did I ever get this lucky, it wasn't me, I am in awe of a question that must be answered that quickly, with economy, what do I say to let her know I am not worthy of the opportunity?

An orator, I am not.

"I started when I was in high school. I was you but I took photos for the annual staff and our advisor had them build us a darkroom and we got to watch those pictures we took come to life while soaking in pans. The pictures, not us. It's just a passion and I never knew it could be this great and I am so lucky and blessed and I could just pinch myself."

I stop. She smiles. I think I need to ask her what she wants to do but instead pause to see if she'll tell me. She doesn't and it's just a moment of wondering if what I said is okay to her. Then I look down and start editing the photo in front of me.



Today I am grateful for a job I love so much it scares me that I will never be able to come up with an answer to that question which should fully give that young woman the hope I never even thought I could have for the future.

I just want it for her as well.

when you want to be the excuse friend

You know the one. You can never get her to go out, do anything. She's always got an excuse until...


Today I am grateful for two women who call themselves strong but really seem more like bullies to me.

hold your breath

till Nina's next note.
then breathe through her.

the last is arguably the best song of the album depending on how many nights it's been after the ultimatum in Love Me or Leave Me, a hopeful upbeat demand. in Wild is the Wind we feel the rationalization, the confusion then a delusional hope that somehow she's special in I Put a Spell On You. but we are already hearing her admission that even she is having a hard time fooling herself here. Work Song is do what you're asked and put your head down when it's raining; never give up (really?). you feel her chills, her forgiveness, the slow dance of his return in the intimacy of Don't Explain. The Other Woman is less jealousy, more empathy.

simply skip song seven and think alliteration here.
(or listen to it and think how much better we are now)

she's angry which is step what of grief.


the next two songs perfect both her anger and her empathy.
you'll agree.
 the music can now be seen.
      Four Women.
      Pirate Jenny.




back to our love affair. we're not at acceptance yet.
I Loves You, Porgy


she tries dating others, but it doesn't work in This Year's Kisses.
a comforting regression in Little Girl Blue. it's almost as if she ages here.

In Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood she's hoping we understand, and I want to.
my intentions are good.



I tell him to turn off all the lights before she begs Ne Me Quitte Pas.
maybe it would've changed things if she had added s'il vous plait, but I believe it is perfect as it is.



some of the best fairy tales were never about the ending, but this one ends well here.





Today I am grateful for hilarious and crazy girlfriends, two kids, an election, and a listen.




  and rain.
    sweet, sweet rain is simply water falling from the sky.

hope less

"Hope is not a lottery ticket you can sit on the sofa and clutch, feeling lucky. It is an axe you break down doors with in an emergency. 

Hope should shove you out the door, because it will take everything you have to steer the future away from endless war, from the annihilation of the earth's treasures and the grinding down of the poor and marginal.

To hope is to give yourself to the future - and that commitment to the future is what makes the present  inhabitable."
Rebecca Solnit


She speaks of hope as an aggression, a kill or be killed, but what if the hope she writes of is one of compassion and love, even for the opposing aggressor. Maybe she would say that in order to get to my ridiculous notion, we have to be aggressive.

Maybe, just maybe,
I don't know because all I have is this very limited experience,
I need to hope less.



Today I am grateful for going home early, an afternoon snooze, protein, water with lemon, a phone call, a present inhabitable.



The music is this.

ingrate

He shows me. I see it.
Then I am so offended that I forget to be grateful for the lesson.

Listen to this in the dark.


Today I am grateful for the kid, the potential, the energy, and the reminder.

economy

She said, "He's so dreamy."
And her life turned out not so easy.


Music today is submitted.



Today I am grateful for my love's safe return, hugs from three people, thank you from all around the table, and how things started looking up when we realized why they had been down.

rest any way you want to

"You're naive," she says.

And I know better than to fight with her because she is always, always, always right,
but

I want at least one thing to work like I think it should.



Today I am grateful to ride in a fancy car, to dance with my brother, to laugh with my cousin, to talk with my kid, to take as many naps as could fit, to meet new people, to eat new food, to hear from him.

To trust it will all be alright.

from to

From Tom's Make it Rain to Montell's Let it Rain.
From a loss to gain.
From Thursday's Reach to a Friday Fun Fact.

Montell Jordan reportedly left Def Jam Records fifteen years ago. The supposed reason was artistic differences, but it may also be a fact that he wanted to leave being a sex symbol behind. I think we have to respect the guy who almost crooned, "This is how we do it."

Then he got his own church in 2008.
It was his Let It Rain album.
The whole album is a sex symbol.
He couldn't avoid it.

In 2009 he put out an album explaining, "This is how I do it."

I don't know. Maybe when you were sixteen Montell said, "Everything is gonna be alright."

Or maybe this is what we call, "Old school."


Today I am grateful for economy, irony, and music.

upcoming debate

It's not perfect but what system is? Disorganized, inefficient, cluttered, full of surprises, proof we are not always in control of what happens, but every once in a while you get something after worrying you don't have anything, And you think,

What a gift.


Today I am grateful for a photograph I'm willing to fight for.

We'll see.

greed of the lol

The things you don't hear about but happen can be beautiful and tragic and incredible joy and intense sadness. As if one of your favorite people is having a bad dayweekmonthyear or that one kid you havetoeatbreakfastwith or that you won't do enough because any singular focus can take the focus away from the rest of it. And you want it to blossomnotwither.

So you take as much of the good as you can and you put it in a camera and you live on it.


Today I am grateful for how all the good seems to never end but yes, I do take a lot of it so as to distract me from any bad that may be happening.

Sweetest Gift

I should apologize maybe.



"Cue smile?" I write.

He sends me one of those drawn faces with huge white teeth in a forced grin.

I think, I don't like it. I like his smile. That's when the He Did What You Said, Crazy debate begins but doesn't win because I just tell him I'm sorry by telling him how beautiful he is.

"Just objectively stating a fact here, not meaning to complain, all smiles have the potential to be great, but your face's smile is so much better than that face's smile. Just sayin'."

I'll see what I can do lol

Disclaimer/Claimer
All art done here is not by me though I do claim to be related. 
Yellow Dog Print Company is the guy drawing.

back to the keys

He says, "The best times were when life was the hardest."

And I'm still confused as to if that's a good thing for a parent to hear their child say.



Today I am grateful for the drive to and from Cottonwood Gulch, how the kid with me had some unnatural ability to sleep, the lushness of Arkansas, the poshness of Texas rest areas, Oklahoma's interstate exit/gas station/casino combinations, and the orange landscape of New Mexico. How I thought the school wanted him to go and how absurd it was I would drive all that way with him, for my dad's truck, Cool Hand Luke. For those cabins, for the air we were breathing, even for the outhouse and the stink.



There will be a point seven miles into the trail when I will get to choose. Take a left and do the hardest eight miles of my life. Take a right and end up in the same place but possibly with regret that I took the easy way out.

I tell him that I hope I go hard, and he laughs.

survival love conquering fear

If you are an anxiety filled parent you may teach your child to you know, survive in the woods. Then your child is going to get so good at it that they teach you.


I think that's what this is about.



Today I am grateful for the opportunity to climb a mountain with my always pacing child, to have the lightest pack on the trail, and to wear a t-shirt my brother made.


And a playlist.
But will I listen to it?
Or will I go into a frantic sleep so fearful that I'm going to miss something I should have noticed. And the wild hogs/armadillos attack not only me but the guy who is and will always be my responsibility.


Right now I am saying I am going to take some Rakoff, Translee, Alicia Keys, the two Bens, Papaw Moore, Aunt Bet, Aunt Dottie, Aunt Sue, and whoever else possibly me.

The goal of this hike is that I get to say who I'll be and I'll stop counting days of no while beginning to start counting days of saying yes to steps, rocks, smiles, jokes, a sweet life. And maybemaybemaybe those days will turn into weeksmonthsyears. Or maybe not,

You know Lumineers is going.
The National will be there.
Dave.
Definitely.

Sorry.

dinner with friends

we meet at four. I'm early. she's late. we know who we are. I smile thinking about it, and, if I smile thinking about it, you already know how we laugh when I get in her car. she's never seen me this vulnerable but she was the one last week with tears in her eyes. we spend at least an hour and fifteen minutes sharing, touching, waiting, and loving each other and the woman in the backseat.

behind us is that beautiful young woman's mama.

I almost took the camera but I didn't because I'm selfish. I just needed an evening with them. you only get to read the writing but you certainly would have been invited.

the lyrics to our music are our stories to each other. I force them to listen to me reading while strapped to a stage and our seats. I tell them that they must snap their fingers and they do it too early and I go, "no, no. wait. there's more." and we laugh what feels like the 5,439,618th laugh inside this car, over salad and fried green tomatoes, drinking from tin cups, and living it up. we are storytellers who witness magic. we have opinions which I call don't let me get all judgy, judgy. together we feel brilliant because somewhere along the way we were able to meet such special people. we are with each other.


Today I am grateful for a successful surgery, for news she has time and a choice she can claim as her own, to watch a young woman be able to grow into a teacher, to claim our mamas as our teachers, to not look at my phone,

and to then look at my phone when we get back into the car and say,

"He sent music."


And we celebrate with each other.





Playlist is real human laughter, Smile feat. Gloria Carter by Jay-Z, and Holy War by Alicia Keys.

three weeks in and dang

and you see his perspective. and you smile when somebody says, "Mentoring him."

no. mentoring me.

his energy, his excitement, his unwillingness to put that camera down, and I wonder how in the world I could mentor someone like him. Then he gets stuck with a premier pro question, and I know how to search for the answer.

but now he knows.
dang.


today I am grateful for a long, lazy morning, clean sheets, running water, soap, and air conditioning.



If I had known, I would've dreamed this earlier.

all kinds of living playlist

There is something to be said for comfortable pauses with the music you listened to before he came along. He didn't love your music like you loved his. He wasn't that into you. There's been at least one book referencing that. He can still be amazing, and you can be you. He liked you.

And he would be proud of you.
You are proud of you.
Day 20 means you're still counting,
and it means that you didn't give up
on living
in a world of light and curiosity and brilliance, and you couldn't have dreamed it.





Today I am grateful that tomorrow will bring sleep but today, oh today, contains all kinds of living.


You already know this one.

playlist continued

playlist for running away from lyrics

We all need to take a break every now and then. It can get intense.

But then music without lyrics can do that as well.

We're screwed, man.


Today I am grateful for a phone call with a friend and how we lost our breath from talking about what an idiot I am.

his long, boring story of name dropping royal treatment

I didn't know but I knew I needed to live till you got here. So I distracted myself with work which was not really work but all about you and this weekend. Should I get groceries? Do I have to stop? Would you even come and let me fix you a meal? It's crazy but yes, I would do everything. Anything. I think I said.

Anyway, I couldn't die before the weekend, and the world all of a sudden got real dangerous because I couldn't remember how to get to where I was going. At one point I joked that I had fallen into the hands of a killer. I thought, he would smile if he heard this. 

Subjectively it is fresh fallen love, the kind I fall in love with and part of my latest review. I think I got one out of five from that guy and I deserved it. But it was never fresh fallen. There was only one other fresh fallen one and he too had lived in Virginia. Nonetheless, all seem to end.

I've already decided I would suffer our ending just to feel our beginning, by the way.
(someone will have to remind me of this when I cry)

You really are amazing but I am not going to put mister in front of that.
Okay maybe I will if you make me.


The killer told me to follow him but there was never an opening to the field. Exercise is real. Especially when you don't mean to until he mentions having to go through the woods, and I said out loud to him, "Hey, you. I um. I think I can see the headline now. GIRL WALKS OFF INTO WOODS WITH STRANGER. My dad warned me of that." He shows me his school badge, and I tell him that he could fake that and laugh. I've already verified that the guy is alright. I asked him if he knew your sister. And he did. So I sold y'all like I was selling a Porsche, and you're not a car and you don't need selling by me.

Anyone can see.


Objectively I met you once. We talked on the phone once to schedule the interview. I can't count the texts because I will go all subjective on it. Like we love ideas. We love music. We love people, children, our families. We are attracted to focused and driven, and we love a place, a space that we can call home.

It is sad to say, "Come home," and know that I'm not home to you.

But still, today I am grateful for whatever wherever this is.

so many people, so many stories, so much love, what will you do with your heart?

Today I am grateful for so much, too much, how in the world could I ever tell you?

RSA requirements, and the list will continue.

"You look like gold," he sings. I fell in love with writers, creators, organizers, and influencers and found out I was a dominant.

"You look like gold. Shiny like gold," he continues.

I can be a little much and that's the nicest way to say it. Perfect love is all Ella Mai wants, and there is no such which makes it perfect. Imperfect people set really high bars, and if they do for others, they better do so for themselves.

I think the people I love make me want to do better though I should just want to be better in general.
 (I guess but my favorite is to be better for someone else. I pick people better than me. Maybe I make them worse. It is a possibility. I am a risky risk taker.)

Better today meant day number fifteen when I write, "One day I am going to stop counting."

And he writes, "Don't stop counting."

But he didn't get it. I should've written, "I want to stop counting. You did. Didn't you?"

Sometimes it's a wave. Sometimes it's a hill. Ride it or hike it. Otherwise known as the day I was grateful to have so many reasons and so many people who inspire me to destroy the pack of cigarettes I found under the nasty trash in my car today.


RSAs are not perfect, but they are nice and slow and a day off work. No birthdays. No holidays. No I have to meet your mama. Invitation only and not many are given. Only two, I believe. Both of them end up being invitations to myself. I wasn't gold enough for either of them. I'm just trying to be golder here. I'll get there. No worries.


Because there is a twenty-six year old guy in the best shape of his life who has vowed to stay with me as I climb a hill or mountain or I wonder what I will call it as I'm clawing it. He promises to call me out if he hears a complaint.

And, you know what?
He should.

I am grateful for this shallow breath I can still catch.
I am grateful for this rest on this log.
I am grateful to take these shoes off.
I am grateful to take off the socks.
I am grateful for the trail in front of me.
I am grateful for the trail behind.
I am grateful for this blanket, this pad, this tarp tent being held by these trekking poles.
And the backpack carrying it.
I am grateful for this kid.

economy

Trey takes a photo at Burning Man. The title is, "In every lifetime, I will find you."

Did you see that?
A seven word novel.

Today I am grateful for artists and the images they use to inspire each other.

comic striping life draws and writes,

comic striping life writes,

"Love is patient. Love is kind."
And then sends me his drawing of our aunt with a man who loves her.

"That's beautiful," I write.

"Lovin' this music...," I should not have added. (tape on mouth. do not speak. you talk too much. you shouldn't have said that.)


Note to future self: Definitely don't put music because then he'll send this.


And you'll think, He's right.

Remember this?

Today I am grateful for people who share music, a thank you note with an ongoing joke, a kid with a camera and a computer, insight from the outside, a team, a friend, an artist, and a favorite t-shirt on the weekend.

freedom summer

He sends music, and it becomes the house music. When was the last time you had to hear the whole album? Kelly Joe? Leonard? Ben? Jack? Dave? Macy? Ella? Vic? Kendrick?

It's been a while.

He asks what I've been missing.

I don't even say, "Your music."

I just listen.

Then tell him, "I just like to imagine you laughing."




He was listening to Translee's Each Other at that very moment.



Today I am grateful for back roads and bus rides,
when girls just start singing, and I can see him laugh.

more breath (italicized) look here

We were due a two-hour here is where I am, there is where you are.

Today I am grateful for the time, the laughter, the energy.






Give it long enough, and it becomes clear that you were trying to smother yourself.

how to use a stress ball

There has got to be one person in your life that you can walk into their office and throw a ball right at their head as hard as you can and they duck and smile and then stand and lay claim to the last bit of name they earned.

And you both laugh.


Today I am grateful for restored internet, people who make the hard choices, coworkers who know how to laugh, and a text. If you can have an especially good day, I seemed to.

playlist

If you had a daughter, you might love that she loves this music.

labor day is for the new olympics or white space

Don't ask.
It was a bad joke
or hope, and
nobody
wants
to go up
against an olympian.

We'll keep them out of this.


Today I am grateful for all the possible scenarios and how a



three day weekend



ends.

code of happiness

it's the story of emir and how he looks at life.


(keep this around.)



Today I am grateful for the sweet, sweet stories we tell ourselves.

nearing a week or mine, too

It would be unfair to you that if every time I saw you and/or talked to you, I said, "It's been __ days."

And you being you would say, "That's great."

And I would know very little about what is happening to you, with you, above you, around you because if I go there I could drown in you. And life is shallow swimming for me.


Today I am grateful for nearly a week, for busy, for Como, for people. For a day, a rain, and cooler temperatures. Isn't this time of year one of your favorites?



I want to do in Como what OurVinyl does in Nashville.