when we speak of survival

So much of the enjoyment found in hiking is planning the trip. Getting organized, discussing plans with family, laughing about this could be it for your mama, son. He already mentioned the story he'll tell at my funeral and I quickly said, "There'll be none of that, child. You must get to my body before your grammie does. Plus, I'm gonna live to be at least a hundred and eight."

"Or you may die next month," he reminds me.



Today I am grateful to live through our next trip.
I'm just going to go ahead and claim that one here and now.

it's okay

There is guilt in not being
everything you need to be to everybody
but then maybe
you just have to say
I'm not meant to be anything to you.

And that is exactly what you need to be.


I am grateful for a world so full that it involves guilt.

writer

It's the feel of it, the slight weight, ultra fine point, a relaxed cursive is nice. The ink is a perfect thickness. It's not that my favorite pen is cheap. There have to be at least a zillion free pens out there.

But a Sharpie is worth paying for. Isn't it?

Today I am grateful for ink, a typeface, a font, a warm cozy this is how it feels to write again.


Gratitude here. Gratitude there. Do they have to be different?

Garmont

Como Courtyard

Today I am grateful for a good pair of hiking shoes and a nice place to take them off.

more than even

It is the return of normalcy, schedule, familiar faces, daily routine.
A basketball game.
A colleague.

I turn to him and say, "I want to do something different."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know. I just know that we have to change something up."

He smiles and nods, "I get it."

Later he takes the wide angle into the locker room.



Today I am grateful for normal life.
Maybe this is all I ever needed.
More than even.

master of my choices

Today I am grateful for music and the 8 mile hike option.

surviving

It can be overwhelming. All that gratitude.

Tonight I'm grateful to know that you're never without a good man when you can bed with one of your favorites.

He seldom got downright drunk, but he did enjoy feeling misty along about sundown, keeping his mood good with tasteful swigs as the sky to the west began to color up. The whiskey didn't damage his intellectual powers any, but it did make him more tolerant of the raw sorts he had to live with: Call and Pea Eye and Deets, young Newt, and old Bolivar, the cook.
McMurtry's Lonesome Dove, p18

I'll text you

It may be considered the rap/hip hop phase of remember in 2018 when you went down that rabbit hole? You go down enough rabbit holes you begin to recognize the void you see. So, you think,

"Man, I gotta get back to work after a lunch and a babysitting gig with a kid that may indeed cry the entire time her parents are trying to have dinner. It's alright. The other kid will help me."

Well...

10 miles today. Lunch with a friend. Plenty of water. Get calendar done. 5 day Pinhoti Hike in December. Make a list. Turn off that damn phone. Go to bed early.


It was my kid who explained everything to me because yes, I am an idiot.
First step, people.


"Mom, he's with family. He's home to spend time with them. What time is it? 10:00?"

"Yeah."

"He found a better option. You didn't make the cut."

"Yeah."

"You said he had a girlfriend. Right?"

"Yeah."

"Maybe he just doesn't feel comfortable about doing that to her."

"Yeah."




Today I am grateful for where his music led me, and I respect that he needs to not text me.

his open invitation to my fear

She says, "Invite him."

"Oh yeah, I did. He got that same stupid invitation you did."

"No. Just you and him. See when he can come. Let me know."



Today I am grateful to learn how an open invitation can show us what we thought we didn't need. How memories can fail, and we can all of a sudden in the blink of an eye look at someone and talk to them and we can't even explain it, we just believe.

We have thoughts that would make you blush. They makes us blush.


Our question for each other: Is this a manic episode? Do I look back at my life and say that there were definite highs and lows andbut we found one other person going through the same damn thing and we just go with that mission stuff.



I guess this is an open invitation for me to see.

happy thanksgiving, computer

It's a jolt to the system. As simple as a squeaking door. As complicated as there is a history here. The now decorated scar of a feeding tube.

"I told him that I wanted him to make it beautiful."

She models the acanthus leaf that Doug from Oxford Tattoo Company began on her body. 

We sit at the table and talk. 

"What is it with suffering?" I ask. "He says that his best times were times of suffering? Why is that? Why do we say that?"

She nods and as if she's thought about it a million times. Says, "Suffering through something makes you feel empowered. When you suffer through something you feel strong. I found my voice and all of a sudden I'm not afraid anymore." 

Yes, it hurt, but she's getting another one, "I want to extend it around my side and up. Here," she picks up her phone. "Let me show you."

They are beautiful, her plans. And she has a lot of hope like the dream she had last night of a beach, an apartment, and her mom. She doesn't smile. She beams.

A lot like the light I find here.

We laugh because we're having the same problem right now and were both wondering if we were mentally ill. And yes, the jury is still out but at least we know we're not alone in this. It is messy Como sessions, socked feet, blankets, pillows, a stocked fridge, and ohemmgee the friends.

Today I am grateful for a day to think about the insanity, the love, the opportunity, the how we just picked up where we left off, and how I will always, always want us to be.

selfie, it all is anyway

The ivy has grown thick to the point that you wonder if it is now becoming one with the brick and what haven't I photographed of this place. And yes, we've moved into his space. And I think I should be a better steward of what I claim as my own space.




Today I am grateful for this time and this space and that music and amen.

Como Sessions

Today I am grateful for a gorgeous day, a gathering of talented people and great music.
I can't imagine this being anywhere else.

hallowed ground

It's the place but it's the people and he says,

"Call if you need to chat or I just need to calm you down. It's gonna be great. Everyone is excited for a cool experience."



Today I am grateful to know cool people who have showed me what it looks like to be cool so that maybe I can pretend I am cool for just a weekend.



Also, it's the music.

when left to my own devices

Como Sessions
Why Not?

I actually said the words out loud to him. "If you have to pay a dime for college, there's no need for you to go."

Photography is a skill, a trade, a liberal arts degree at best, and that's not saying that proper schooling doesn't have it's place but come on. That kid knows how to use the internet. Teachers are everywhere. Could you even watch every Adobe tutorial ever made and have time to eat, sleep, and practice your trade? No.


He just needs mentors, or people who were helped along the way and know that you don't get it without giving it.




She says, "I'm getting a camera for Christmas."

"Good for you."

Then, "He graduates and after he does I want to be him. I want to do what he's doing."

"It's not just having a camera. It's having a passion for it. A mind that won't quit even when the world is telling it to. I wasn't looking for him or that. I have enough to do. He came, and I saw what he was doing. I don't care about you having a camera. You got to show me your best work."

She nods. She seems to know what that means.

We'll see.






Today I am grateful to be surrounded by minds open and willing to learn and teach.





I send him a quick message and ask, "If we planned a meal and cooked together one evening, what music would you play from the corner of the adjoining room? Do you ever dance in the kitchen?"


Also, would someone please get my car to play this mixtape?

music

I can't go to Como without Leonard. Right?



Today I am grateful for the existence of Como.



But this time I take him, too.

Blue Rock Artist Ranch & Studio

Seems like a school. How much for the university?


I sometimes tremble when I think of him.

quotes keep you here

release your grip, let him go

Life without him is like riding a bicycle with no hands.

It's ohmygosh I'm doing it.
I can.
Thrilling then.
I can't live.

Ridiculous.



Today I am grateful for narcissistic drivel.
It does help me to see me being selfish and greedy.

old photo of old things

Today I am grateful for good food, great energy, missed calls, short messages, and being named #3 at the gym.

Anything to impress him.

ink

Today I am grateful to be able to help my brother.

when you love his ellipsis

I wonder if I can work with him so I try working with him and yes. He's funny and I wonder how much personal time I would need with him and just how selfish I should not be. Anyway, yesterday was nice and with only a slight imperfection.

He wasn't here, but he does know how to use an ellipsis.



Today I am grateful for a conversation,
for a smile, a laugh,
photos of the girls having a party,
and...

the new thing

It has air conditioning and a radio. Striped seats and a shiny dash and windshield wipers which take, push or work the magic of removing the water from that huge, beautiful glass. It's beautiful and crazy, the morning. But I am at work at 9:45 or a little thereafter and don't you feel like you have to do a lot of work in this life to pay back what this life has given you?

So to pay back the people who pay me with their attention, their travel, their poses, their laughter, I think I'm supposed to come here and bring gratitude.




BUT (and this one's huge.)




Today I am grateful to be able to carry music with me in my car.

And Though

Slow ourselves down into this one starting with a gift so fine I am ashamed to mention it.


And the music lately
And conversations
And eyes that smile
And the ends may never end
And we hope they don't


Though we already have our last song.



Today I am grateful for the heartache, the struggle, the tears, the pain, the however we came.

two nights in a row

dinner out. wonderfully fattening foods.
bacon cheeseburger with A1 steak sauce.
loaded baked potato with a massive ball of butter and cold sour cream.
mahi mahi, blackened in a booth.


I ate all my food both nights but tonight especially.



Dang.




Today I am grateful for a treadmill and an elliptical and the need for a new habit for me and the crew. Plus, I think I just hooked us a personal trainer for free.

WHHHHuuuuT? Yep.

Hannah is going to show us how to shape our bodies three times a week.
Bonded over a Bubba's meal.

chasing the moon

The computer registers girl just pushing buttons. Must help.
It does and I walk off 118 calories in thirty minutes.
It doesn't seem like much but it sure feels like it.
The computer registers it's been a while for girl.



But we laugh, him and me.


And.
Well.
Why else would you work out, people?



Today I am grateful to start my day with his laughter.

this not that

I mean to show you this and say that's the single best use of a drone, but you'd argue.
And you should.



Today I am grateful for storytellers, musicians, videographers, people, and places.

note for Como, you didn't see so bright today

A rainy, Sunday afternoon is no time to have a meltdown but who's following the rules? Not you.

It's the invitation.
The insert at 4 x 6 is bigger than the 5 x 7 card.
Sad white envelope and a note.

Forty, please.


A hundred dollars in the office budget. The kid calls. He needs eighty for graduation, and I need a way to figure out how to make $180 on a day off.


If next time we can have the same budgets plus me and nobody taking from their own pockets, Como will be a success and we will be more. I think we both want that.



He says, "Of course."



Today I am grateful for a quart jar of lemon and water, the text of the week, pineapple juice, a him, a her, the guy at the counter who did his best for me,  a horse, a pony,

a tree,
two kids,
and an old barn.


You have to give photos.

then

this morning the two of them on clean sheets and fresh pillows.
the light outside the window, the highly impressive man.
I write you.





breathe through it. right?

palm up

Slight bend at the knees, that belly hanging over the belt, but there is a belt and the shirt is tucked in. His right arm is at a ninety-degree angle from his head though even that is tilted forward a bit. The hand at the end of that arm is where that palm is. He's telling somebody something 'cause the left hand is coming to hit those muscles stretched from his elbow to below his wrist. There's that look in his eyes again.


Today I am grateful for coaches.


Basketball is a beautiful drama comedy especially if you sit next to your son in a place where the two of you could get hit really hard with a ball traveling at flatten your face speed and you have so much fun because you're both laughing and loving every minute of it. It's good to go to a game.

weekend

Today I am grateful for music, photos, and weather.
Oh, the weather.
The weather feels like they sound.

selfish hope

Today I am grateful for a long list of a million things, but most of all to know when I've been wrong. I hope that. I hope that for me.

getting back to the hike

Four days. Can't be six. I was overreaching then. Plus, it's the holidays and I'm pretty sure your wife wants to kill me and could be forgiven. Let's just see what four does,



and on this thing that is blowing up and ohemghee surely you're coming,



when will we sit and talk and laugh and enjoy the fact we're still here?


Today I am grateful to know it will be soon, son.

invitation

Walk into warmth and an orange mango. What was that scent?
Gold and white lights down a hallway.
Take your shoes off at the door.
Lay your coat on the bed.
Hear music.
It's coming from the living room.


Stay the night or just the evening.
There's a place for you in Como.

before the storm

he asks, "Am I overwhelming you yet?"



"I'm up for the next couple hours."




she pleads, "Jesus take the wheel." except with a lot of exclamation marks.


and he sends music.







I shop with them against my will and he laughs.




Today I am grateful for time and addresses and sizes and we're doing this.
ohmygosh. are we doing this?