after all that's been said and done

Nora brings it.


Today I am grateful for challenges, people, exhaustion, rain, lunch, photos and videos just waiting on me.

rest

Today I am grateful for the spin of a fan, the comfort of a couch, two pillows, and a whole night.

life is similar

It's playlist three, only four songs and only one remaining from the original.
You knew it was Ben Harper.

Song 1      Is Your Love Big Enough? by Lianne La Havas
Song 2      Rise Up by Andra Day
Song 3      Gold to Me by yeah.
Song 4      Good Times by Chic


Today I am grateful for challenging projects, for someone who says, "Hey, create something for me."

the most beautiful picture you could dream

It's him standing there between those two. A wall of rock and green leaves and pebbles on a beach. A bridge to sit and see. The blue boat in front of them. Paddles, helmets, life jackets, and it's more than smiles. It's satisfaction and the result of a wait with weight in a once upon a time dream.


Today I am grateful for a single photo.

too many people, not enough person

She learned to swim,
and though it was the first time she showed us,
I suspect she has known all along.
Patiently waiting until she couldn't stand anymore,
until somebody had to jump in the pool fully clothed.


Today I am grateful for people and person.

following your lead

There is a distinct beauty to not leading, to not taking responsibility, to sitting back in a corner, taking photos and saying, "you. you, man. tell me where to go."

Today I am grateful that dominant doesn't have to mean leader.
Some of us are just followers.

project about people

I so want to be Jacob.

the what and the why you just have projects

Maybe it's the trees, the cat, the porch, that single light. Whatever it is, I call it writing, thinking, editing, working 'cause it sounds like a purpose.

I want it to be.





but,



They said I was dominant and that killed me in an amen, omen type of way.
I am always very aware, but not aware enough, of how I can easily create and destroy all at the same time. Bully here, people.


I don't want to believe it.


Therefore, I am clearly going to have to bully their ideas into submission. They're right.


Today I am grateful for a power of suggestion. I want to care more about people than I do results, and I am ashamed to have to admit that. Can I just do one huge crazy blog apology that none of those people will even read? Or can I just start living better? Hopefully the latter.

Pink Rabbits by the National

The things I kept in my purse, which would be money or the way to get it anyhow, I left in my car. I want to tell him that writers can be obsessed with endings but surely he's figured that out by now. If you race to send him everything you've ever loved and the things you send to those you love, and he's brilliant and beautiful and he'll listen and lol and dotdotdot


I apologized from the beginning.



Today I am grateful for shelter as we go, surface below the burns, and the I will of this world.


Not the national or the other Ben's walk away but when you feel it, and sometimes you gotta feel, it's gonna be dotdotdot

here

Today I am grateful to be invited.

good at goodbye

It was the last song, kind and generous. (here)
So when you wrote, "It's like the happy anthem."
I was all, "What?"
I didn't tell you it's purpose.
I thought you were gone.
But you weren't.

I guess it's good that we went ahead and got the last song out of the way.



Today I am grateful for kindness and generosity.

180 days

What can happen in 180 days?
Dare we plan for it?

I feel like that's what I'm doing this weekend.


You knew I was going to bring this out.



Today I am grateful for help.

who is your audience

She is it. There are others, but she is the one who makes me work for it. Peach peeling, peach juicing, peach soda, half and half, thick, sweet milk, and fifty minutes of churning turns into one yell,

"Ice cream."





Today I am grateful for groceries and audience.

don't listen to me, listen to him

Donald Glover did one of those late night talk shows and the host asked him, "Can you give us the Childish Gambino face?"

Glover takes a moment to breathe and then looks sternly into the camera. There it is. The face.

Then laughter from the audience. Donald smiles, looks at the host who then says, "Alright. Now give us the Donald Glover face."

He breathes in and turns to the camera to give us the same face. Nothing, not one change.

He is the guy in the video and the one sitting on that couch. Could he be saying that everything is in all of us and it has nothing to do with the look on our face but rather the choices we make?

I don't know.



Now this is a concert.

the warning label around your neck

When you believe you believe hard.
You may be all consuming because you are consumed.
You are easily confused.
You think slow but feel fast. Watch that.
Some days are harder than others while some surprise you.
You live for the surprises but understand that you wouldn't even see them if it wasn't for those harder days.
You left romantic love years ago.


It took a minute, but it wasn't all that bad.
And it's okay to live in not all that bad because
you get a call about what was for supper
and make one about the party they had.


And you helped some people and you shared music.


And you're grateful for the opportunity.


Tonight's music is By My Side by Ben Harper.
(in one of her conversations she mentioned that when she wrote or spoke or taught, she brought everyone with her.)

when the weather feels like a gift

It is less sweat and more sheen, the thin, slimy glisten which either drips from your pores or from the air around you. You share it with the moths, the shiny and fastest beetle, the spider you watch weave. The question is loblolly or longleaf? Retreat t-shirt stating your medical history? The playlist, the quotes, the presentation,



a crazy hard rain.



A concert.






Today I am grateful for a question about trees, old friends, rain, music, and time to enjoy it all.

those albums he left in the corner of the room

Don't you love his music?



300 hours of insanity. But his music and his brain and his smile and what he said and those eyes. I know this looks crazy and surely it is and maybe just maybe I am here to prove crazy ain't all that bad or prove nothing and I'm okay with that. too.


'Cause then there's the call of hiking a mountain and white water rafting and mining and pine straw and the keep your head up kid is having a blast.


Why would I ever ask for more than that?



Today I am grateful for conversations and an upcoming trip.

drop the mic

"She took all my money and my best pen."

"Tom Waits it is."




Tom lost his muse and Make it Rain is him writing through it. It's confusing. Is he pleading with someone else or asking something of himself? It could be that greed made him want too much of the greatest thing he had ever seen.


"I was afraid I would eat your brains." The National, Conversation 16
I was actually trying to eat his brains.



Today I am grateful for how thirty minutes turned into three hours of completing each other's sentences and how music and movies and a building intensity can make you, me write the best song I have ever seen.

for the center of the universe

It's an escape room with four people. We've all got roles to play. So she, the center of the universe, and us, planets orbiting around her, only have an hour to find the treasure the captain hid. This captain fella, he has this glowing blue stone, but that's not even the point. The point is we're here to win. We're here to solve this puzzle within an hour.

With five clues because it's their second night, a clue giving, sound providing, bell ringing monitor reminds us someone is watching, and I tell Kim, "Just as long as they don't release the video."

Though if they focused solely on the center of the universe, that would be great to see. But no, we're all in here.

I take the chair and watch.

She, the center of the universe, is opening every drawer, checking every lock, rambling, running, processing everything in warp speed. I told her she needed to play basketball, but she doesn't play sports, she reads.

I wonder if the captain will read with me by a tiny light in the dark on a rainy Sunday afternoon. If so, I imagine what we would read but my imagination runs away with me to that quote, "They were just regular people who caught hold to something or something caught hold to them." We would of course read her.

She, the center of the universe, is good at solving puzzles and within forty minutes she has wiped the face of a painting and opened a secret passage which makes her jump but not as high as those three skeletons. She said, "Son of a." And we all started laughing.

That chic found the glowing blue stone and I got to hug her and kiss the top of her head and say in the most escape room way, "You got me," though I assured her as I have the captain, "I'm less than great at this."

Today I am grateful for the centers of the universe, for texts, phone calls, the offer of bacon, the rain, the music, and the Tom Waits thing.


He sent this and what else is a girl supposed to do? I just don't want to ask too much.

shhhh. I get to pick the music with two hands.

On one hand this is an amazing turn of events.
Haven't I been practicing for this?
Studying for at least a week?


The meeting starts at 8:00 a.m. Play begins at 7:45.

1. Lightnin' Hopkins - Woke Up This Morning
2. Childish Gambino - This is America
2. The Black Keys - Tighten Up
3. Kendrick Lamar - Sing About Me
4. Ben Howard - Depth Over Distance
5. Dave Matthews - You and Me
6. Vic Mensa - We Could Be Free (feat. Ty Dolla Sign)



On the other hand, I can't make this decision. I mean, this means too much.
I don't want to pick the wrong songs.



Today I am grateful for an opportunity, for the way he laughs at me. Maybe that means if I mess up, it'll just be funny.

don't blame the writer

He did it to repent. He said.
I appreciate his honesty and it's obvious that even the best woman wanted it or that's at least what his mama showed him.


I didn't read it, but I did watch Iceberg Slim, Portrait of a Pimp because my own less about the violence, more about the money pimp included it in the package.


Today I am grateful for books, movies, and that subscription (though I'm not sure I should be.)

don't encourage me, I question myself too - signed, the clown

I told preacher that I was having some massive shame as of late because every time he pulled up I had to turn the music down.

"I'm sorry." As sorry as you can be sitting in a gazebo under a tree.

"It's just that I'm having this Dave Matthews thing now, but it's like a regression. You know Dave was important during a time. And what did that make me? Or who said it did? I needed to be more serious about how I was living."

"Oh yeah, I get it," and he begins this rapid history with his parents and being dropped off in downtown Memphis for music. He remembers the man and the band and that album. Yes, many of us crashed into us back then. It was a party. We were falling in love with each other and with Memphis. What was the name of that place with the pool tables in the back? We walked in like we lived there, like we paid some type of mortgage on the block. In order to get over that shame, we bought plenty of drinks, paid cover charges, saw the symphony on the river after we partied too hard the weekends before.

This is where we all bow our heads and say, "Thank you for Nana. May her roads of gold and medals of honor be plenty."

There does come a moment when life crashes into you and you into someone else. If you're lucky, it's not some guy whose last chance was on you.



Today I am grateful for a preacher, dinner at a fancy restaurant with my kid, a video, someone said, "Como," and the we'll see of that.

without ceasing

Today I am grateful to be sent a song and reminded of an album.

"into the upholstery, into the rugs, into my hair"

It is a breaking of the icon. People who challenge what they have been told, and they are my favorites like in the top five. She once taught me about tangled Christmas tree lights, and he is a guy who got booed in Memphis, and I thought, "What are you doing?"

Their talk, all forty something minutes of it, is recorded. Notice how he leans into her, his shoulders slumped forward, elbows on his thighs, and hands clasped beyond his knees. Twenty-five years of living is erased from his face. I say great coaches don't bring a box of tricks, but she does seem to contain magic.

"Hello. I am an American and most of the time proud. We will rise again and still we will rise."
She speaks in poetry, but she never would have written a book if she had taught first.


Today I am grateful for the internet. (I think I'm supposed to say that some words may cause discomfort. If you are easily discomforted by words, please do not click on the word "internet" from two sentences ago.)

words are things

Today I am grateful to share words and a meal with friends.

uno this week, escape room the next

Numbers and colors and symbols and remembering how good this is.

"I'm a winner."

"Well.
You know what?"

"What?"

"I've never lost."

"Never?"

"Never."

Should I lean into the lie? Should I tell her that yes I've won some and lost some games like this?

Leaning close, "Girl, I've never lost not one game in my life."

In my defense, double negatives are confusing.

In her defense, it didn't phase her a bit. She won both games last night.


Today I am grateful for family around the table.

connection, the three hour meet

Today I am grateful for an instant, seemingly spontaneous, should've known it was coming, never seem to know when it's coming, but when it does it brings with it an impact you know you won't soon forget.

inspire

Today I am grateful for a text from a guy who said, "Tell me when. Let's do this."

I am grateful to know what that means.

third thank you note of codependence

Someone name dropped you yesterday. I was already impressed by her, by the way she carried herself, how she spoke, what she said, the energy she created in the room. But it wasn't till she said your name that I thought, "Of course. That makes sense."

It is ridiculous to tell you that I'm at your service.
I can't imagine you ever needing me, but here.
Here is a card.
Please take it as a thank you note or a forever redeemable "anything you need, young woman."

second thank you note of codependence

You already know how I feel. You are the young woman I wished I had been back then. Heck, the woman I wish I were today. May you never change your email or phone number or life without letting me know. And may you forever and ever understand that it's perfectly okay to tell me no.

Ever need anything? I'm your girl.


Now stop reading this note and get out there and do what you were doing.

first thank you note of codependence

You have taught me that there are times in this world when I've said thank you so many times it seems trite. Your dad and I talked about you the other day, but we couldn't do it without smiling. Thank you for your time, for the offer at the concert that night. For the writing.

Much love,

me

P.S. I hope you don't mind. I plan on name dropping you for the rest of my life.

on the subject of independence

All the way to the end of the world you and me together. She said she always believed that.

This should be the history lesson of 1776, but I'm not so great at that.

He'll cook drunk chickens, and I'll say I don't think he needs to blame it on the chickens. I'll bring homemade ice cream and the dwindling foil of cake so moist and perfectly sweet that when offered it, he hears, "One bite. I told myself I wasn't going to share it with you. If you know how great it can really be then you'll know what it's supposed to taste like when I make it this weekend."


Today I am grateful for the inspiration of Arrington's cakes, the dancing chickens, laundry detergent, and that they made it through the hike. And an interview. And a writing I need to do.

comment on top five

He says, "I don't ever really fit in."

My brother makes me watch the video, and he watches me watch it. This guy has me with the it's him. Thirty Rock writer, comedian, rapper when did this happen. It's on open parking lot. Soulful chatter. I take off my glasses, move closer to the screen. A chair, a guitar, a beautiful man with a beard. This is getting good, but then.

Donald. Childish Gambino is standing there with his back to the camera. We just want to party, and what he does with his face. It's fluid with an edge. The flexing. And then.

hate.

I actually groaned and put my hand up to the screen. My brother laughed. I knew I had to keep watching. I wanted redemption for seeing it. But then he walks through that door and I'm hoping
no. he kills every last one of them. I say, "I knew I should not have loved them." Talking about the choir. He laughs again.

It is the shock and awe of him, the fear of what are we teaching our children.


My brother says, "He is just so visually talented."


He is.

this guy

absolute genius.

chatter

We sit across the table from each other. Him first. Me second. This is the best new year's resolution I ever made.

"You did good, Boog."

I say, "Thank you," and not another word.

Today I am grateful for time and a table. Him being willing to eat another dessert.
A loaded potato salad and the way they look at each other.

Dear Nick (you can't have that last name),

I once got a call from myself. Seriously. The house robot said my last name first and my middle name last. Then she said my phone number. No, I did not answer it. I did laugh when I considered future me was calling present me (what movie was that?)


I don't want to be famous. I don't want to start, grow and profit from a thriving popular blog. I want to think you can take care of your family without me. You can. I believe in you, man.


Much love,
me

some goals are small, but goals still

do not go to bed with dirty feet.
surely I can do that.

is Dave Matthews trying to brainwash us? Or us him?

your crown is crooked

It fell off when your daddy said, "Take a turn."
And everyone was watching.
And it tried to break your heart.
I could see it in your eyes.

The girl who's been telling me my crown is crooked is your sister and she is serious. Last week when I walked into the room, all I did was point at her. Didn't say a word. Just did a little jump pivot point, trying to be dramatic. Stomach to the floor, watching a movie, she turned and looked up at me. Put her finger to her lips, "SSSSSSShhhhhhhhh."



Today I am grateful for a couple of kids who understand dramatic.