I open the door just enough to look inside the room at three girls performing pageantry. Then I say loud even for me, "I scream. You scream. We all scream for ice cream."
They look stunned, and I run back to the kitchen. Like baby ducks, they follow.
I've paid too much for a big shiny machine to take the place of an old microwave which doesn't work, hasn't worked for at least a year. Do you need something you haven't used in a year? Obviously not. It makes sense that you would replace that unneeded space waster with an even more obnoxious contraption of which is admittedly less useful. It only makes one thing, or four it says, and I've decided to lean into the absurdity. Or, in this case, pour a mixture of half and half, sweetened condensed milk, and vanilla paste directly into what looks like it could electrocute.
The push of a button and forty-one minutes produce a substance pretty dang close to what I hoped it could be, but the party is obviously what was needed.
Today I am grateful for sisters, little plastic bowls, chocolate syrup, and to learn there is no reason to wear shoes on your feet when you have a crown on your head.
Saturday, June 30, 2018
Thursday, June 28, 2018
not scripted
Has anyone said anything about the heat? Surely I haven't. Is it okay that much of the time I'm just grateful for air conditioning? But it wasn't in air conditioning that I saw him.
The man who can climb a wall with pictures so tall that if for no other reason you must love him for a gift he's been given. One hundred thousand hours plus of a mind racing and a body wasting. And I try to quote Maya to him. There's a part of this story that's heart breaking. There's a piece of him that reminds me of her.
All he wanted was a BLT and a ride.
Today I am grateful for a car, a job, and air conditioning.
The man who can climb a wall with pictures so tall that if for no other reason you must love him for a gift he's been given. One hundred thousand hours plus of a mind racing and a body wasting. And I try to quote Maya to him. There's a part of this story that's heart breaking. There's a piece of him that reminds me of her.
All he wanted was a BLT and a ride.
Today I am grateful for a car, a job, and air conditioning.
faux philanthropy
I always get the small filet with two tartars and, if I can make it to dinner, the baked potato instead of fries. Sweet tea, saucers for the slaw. Hushpuppies come on the plate, and the service is family.
Today I get to have lunch with a precious memory. How close can you be to an interview? Is there some type of ethical distance to maneuver where I pretend she doesn't remind me of someone? And how fair is that to her?
Today I am grateful for the food, the questions, the story she has for me/us/sometimes I just pretend to be a philanthropist.
Today I get to have lunch with a precious memory. How close can you be to an interview? Is there some type of ethical distance to maneuver where I pretend she doesn't remind me of someone? And how fair is that to her?
Today I am grateful for the food, the questions, the story she has for me/us/sometimes I just pretend to be a philanthropist.
Wednesday, June 27, 2018
loser
"You can't get use to losing. You're used to losing," he says and I wonder if that plays in a loop as they lay in their bed trying to go to sleep or maybe it's the first thought they think when they wake in the morning.
It's not a bad question.
What did I lose?
What did I do to lose it?
Today I am grateful for a conversation with an old friend, the promise of a lunch, that the sun did not kill me as I walked across the field. I am grateful to have found the place, that one huge cloud and later after the sun went down that distant lightning. Losing and winning all in the same night.
It's not a bad question.
What did I lose?
What did I do to lose it?
Today I am grateful for a conversation with an old friend, the promise of a lunch, that the sun did not kill me as I walked across the field. I am grateful to have found the place, that one huge cloud and later after the sun went down that distant lightning. Losing and winning all in the same night.
Monday, June 25, 2018
not funny
It was some type of World War II phenomenon or diagnosis or people began to live amongst the bombs. It still happens today. That sitting criss cross applesauce on the floor behind a dresser or running to your best friend or eating at a cafe wondering if it'll be that place today or getting in a car and pushing past the possibility that someone else is playing an idiot or what has wrapped itself around your brain?
Life can be incredibly depressing. That's why I constantly have to remind myself of all the good.
Today I am grateful to sit in a gym with a coach, understand that even in the heat people play, and all I can seem to say is thank you for the air conditioning. A friend once said, "The music that was number one when you were born is the theme of your life. Yours was bridge over troubled waters."
"Why can't it be dance music?"
He laughed, but I told him it wasn't funny.
Life can be incredibly depressing. That's why I constantly have to remind myself of all the good.
Today I am grateful to sit in a gym with a coach, understand that even in the heat people play, and all I can seem to say is thank you for the air conditioning. A friend once said, "The music that was number one when you were born is the theme of your life. Yours was bridge over troubled waters."
"Why can't it be dance music?"
He laughed, but I told him it wasn't funny.
Sunday, June 24, 2018
groceries
She tries to give me an unopened bag of cornmeal. "Do you want this?" She asks as sincerely as you may offer food to someone who looks hungry. Surely I don't look hungry, and I'm on my way to the grocery with a cupboard so bare I've run out of ranch dressing. *
"Yes." I take the bag and hug it.
"Do you want this?" She points at a glowing yellow bunch of bananas.
"Yes." Of course, I am going to take the bananas. They go well with the cornmeal, the tomato, the squash, the cucumbers, the offer of eggs. Would I like some zucchini?
I listen to Rakoff's love of New York, and it reminds me of the center here. That summer is watermelons, tomatoes, peaches, squash in every way possible, cucumbers, pickles, lemons in water, and lemons in pies.
I am grateful for generous people and gardens and in the most center of the universe way, home.
*Crisis now averted.
"Yes." I take the bag and hug it.
"Do you want this?" She points at a glowing yellow bunch of bananas.
"Yes." Of course, I am going to take the bananas. They go well with the cornmeal, the tomato, the squash, the cucumbers, the offer of eggs. Would I like some zucchini?
I listen to Rakoff's love of New York, and it reminds me of the center here. That summer is watermelons, tomatoes, peaches, squash in every way possible, cucumbers, pickles, lemons in water, and lemons in pies.
I am grateful for generous people and gardens and in the most center of the universe way, home.
*Crisis now averted.
Saturday, June 23, 2018
what you showed me
You showed me that there is a price. And I don't like that about me. You said it wasn't about motivation. It was about discipline. When you first said it, I thought, "She's right." And I have long since realized that irrelevant to one person is relevant to another. It's just that I was so wrong again.
In my head, you inspired. You motivated. And what I want to tell them is whatever she did, she didn't give you anything you didn't already have. She worked to make you look inside you. It was all about discipline.
And maybe nobody should have anybody to believe in them so much. You should have believed in yourselves the whole time.
Today I am grateful for a lesson.
In my head, you inspired. You motivated. And what I want to tell them is whatever she did, she didn't give you anything you didn't already have. She worked to make you look inside you. It was all about discipline.
And maybe nobody should have anybody to believe in them so much. You should have believed in yourselves the whole time.
Today I am grateful for a lesson.
Friday, June 22, 2018
that
Crazy is thinking you don't have enough time to write your thank you and the secret gratitude, oh I have to remember to say thank you for that, builds a mountain of I have to get around to that.
I am grateful for a lunch where the tastiest thing was the conversation with a guy who thinks profoundly and quickly. Deep are his waters and fast is his mind. I am grateful for a new calendar, less with the hang in there, kitty and more of that's where we'll be. I am grateful for an afternoon rain, a sit with my mom, a ceiling fan, a doctor and his team, a blanket in the winter, spoiled doesn't even begin to explain it.
I am grateful for a lunch where the tastiest thing was the conversation with a guy who thinks profoundly and quickly. Deep are his waters and fast is his mind. I am grateful for a new calendar, less with the hang in there, kitty and more of that's where we'll be. I am grateful for an afternoon rain, a sit with my mom, a ceiling fan, a doctor and his team, a blanket in the winter, spoiled doesn't even begin to explain it.
Wednesday, June 20, 2018
Monday, June 18, 2018
turn on the music
I am grateful for a one gallon glass jar and some little candy bars, a toothy grin, phone calls and plans, photos that fit, a text, the beginning of a week, an answer to a question, rains, and an easy trip.
Thursday, June 14, 2018
1971's Tupelo Honey
It's our last night together. I light a candle because I had the opportunity to do this one more time in my life. And this was the best yet.
Today I am grateful for a group of people who created something and how they allowed me to be part of it. Thank you seems trite in the last hours of this thing.
Today I am grateful for a group of people who created something and how they allowed me to be part of it. Thank you seems trite in the last hours of this thing.
dizziness of the next 24 hours
1. Make lists. Start with your contributors, advertisers, pages, schedules, articles, photos, and all the things you've been working on and with and it all comes down to this. Something you will have to live with for a year until maybe you can redeem yourself next year.
2. Write, edit, layout, ask, receive. Until in one last gasp you hit send.
3. Accept that this is and was drama, dramatic, you've actually told people it's going to be great this year.
4. It is going to be great.
Now stop blogging and get to work.
Today I am grateful for belief.
2. Write, edit, layout, ask, receive. Until in one last gasp you hit send.
3. Accept that this is and was drama, dramatic, you've actually told people it's going to be great this year.
4. It is going to be great.
Now stop blogging and get to work.
Today I am grateful for belief.
Tuesday, June 12, 2018
if you had to pick a person
the question would have to be, who is that one human among many, many humans or all of whom you need to better for. That you think, that person, those parents, my best friend, my brothers, kids, kids, kids, that teacher, that homeless guy, that marathon runner, that one love or that one grandparent or someone who is no longer here or someone who is. Who saw in you what no one else saw and they loved you for it. and you loved them.
today I am grateful for a list that seems never ending, but also for a love which makes me strive to be better.
makes me swim.
thank you, kid.
today I am grateful for a list that seems never ending, but also for a love which makes me strive to be better.
makes me swim.
thank you, kid.
Sunday, June 10, 2018
four eggs for a story
She doesn't know about the trade yet. I go ahead and give her my goods 'cause it's a good bet. She's one of the most generous children I know. I could probably get the eggs without a story but trading is how we do things here.
"I got a story. Wanna hear it?"
She climbs on the stool next to me while nodding her head. Coordinated, this one.
"This is about a guy in the middle of a wilderness. He was spending four nights and four days in a place far away and this was his second night, in the dark, at eleven o'clock in a tent made for just him."
It's fun to watch her eyes. I don't deserve four eggs. She should charge me for the listen.
"At eleven o'clock at night he heard something. It was rooting and snorting in the woods and he wondered while his eyes tried to focus in the dark, 'What in the world could that be?'"
I root and snort for her though I'm not so good at it unless there's pizza of which there is none.
She smiles.
"He figured it must be wild hogs and his mind started picturing those hogs now far off but clearly getting closer to him. And it scared him and he wondered what in the world those hogs could do. By midnight they were so close but passed behind him and that young man had never been so grateful. That was a close one and he didn't know how good he could climb. Stronger in the legs than the arms, but most would bet he could get up a tree with something like that chasing him."
She thinks that's the end and talks about that one time when she remembers it being dark and how she and her daddy saw hogs that day. Her sister saw them, too.
"It ain't over. That boy in the woods, he heard those hogs turn and start rooting and snorting on the way back to him and by one o'clock they were so close that he decided to get out of the little tent. Back when he thought to google how to defend yourself against a wild hog he thought the light from his phone would attract unwanted attention. So at 1 a.m. barefoot and in the dark, the 6'1" boy thought his best gamble was to make himself taller. Light would do it. But he stood there in the dark and waited till that rooting and snorting got so close he knew they were right on him. He'd see them as soon as he turned all the lights on."
I root and snort again, but she calls me by name when saying, "You've already done that part."
"So quick he turned on his head lamp but it wasn't hogs he saw. It was two armadillos right in front of him. Those armadillos looked up at all that light streaming in from that boy's headlamp and cell phone, and they looked into the fearful eyes of a human standing there waving a trek pole at them."
Her lips form a circle of relief and happiness and everyone, maybe even armadillos, love a good story.
"Those armadillos were not impressed. They just snorted, turned, and walked away. Never bothered him again that night. The boy's grandfather has since apologized for not telling him that when you confront a wild hog, you walk up to him confident like a boxer with a small, two foot stick in your hand. Just tap him on the snout. That hog will tuck his snout and back away. He doesn't want to have anything to do with that."
Today I am grateful for trade. Those eggs will be good in that pound cake.
"I got a story. Wanna hear it?"
She climbs on the stool next to me while nodding her head. Coordinated, this one.
"This is about a guy in the middle of a wilderness. He was spending four nights and four days in a place far away and this was his second night, in the dark, at eleven o'clock in a tent made for just him."
It's fun to watch her eyes. I don't deserve four eggs. She should charge me for the listen.
"At eleven o'clock at night he heard something. It was rooting and snorting in the woods and he wondered while his eyes tried to focus in the dark, 'What in the world could that be?'"
I root and snort for her though I'm not so good at it unless there's pizza of which there is none.
She smiles.
"He figured it must be wild hogs and his mind started picturing those hogs now far off but clearly getting closer to him. And it scared him and he wondered what in the world those hogs could do. By midnight they were so close but passed behind him and that young man had never been so grateful. That was a close one and he didn't know how good he could climb. Stronger in the legs than the arms, but most would bet he could get up a tree with something like that chasing him."
She thinks that's the end and talks about that one time when she remembers it being dark and how she and her daddy saw hogs that day. Her sister saw them, too.
"It ain't over. That boy in the woods, he heard those hogs turn and start rooting and snorting on the way back to him and by one o'clock they were so close that he decided to get out of the little tent. Back when he thought to google how to defend yourself against a wild hog he thought the light from his phone would attract unwanted attention. So at 1 a.m. barefoot and in the dark, the 6'1" boy thought his best gamble was to make himself taller. Light would do it. But he stood there in the dark and waited till that rooting and snorting got so close he knew they were right on him. He'd see them as soon as he turned all the lights on."
I root and snort again, but she calls me by name when saying, "You've already done that part."
"So quick he turned on his head lamp but it wasn't hogs he saw. It was two armadillos right in front of him. Those armadillos looked up at all that light streaming in from that boy's headlamp and cell phone, and they looked into the fearful eyes of a human standing there waving a trek pole at them."
Her lips form a circle of relief and happiness and everyone, maybe even armadillos, love a good story.
"Those armadillos were not impressed. They just snorted, turned, and walked away. Never bothered him again that night. The boy's grandfather has since apologized for not telling him that when you confront a wild hog, you walk up to him confident like a boxer with a small, two foot stick in your hand. Just tap him on the snout. That hog will tuck his snout and back away. He doesn't want to have anything to do with that."
Today I am grateful for trade. Those eggs will be good in that pound cake.
Saturday, June 9, 2018
Tony objectified
girls talk about favorite chefs. Cooking, drinking, taking in the world, dancing, sharing food, having people share with you, looking into the eyes of people and loving their stories.
and once in a while looking at us to say, "This is what it's like having cameras and sound equipment in your face."
he was just being that guy. That guy that when girls talk about chefs, they mention he's their favorite. He was incredibly sexy in that he seemed to leap at life while scrambling to show us that we should never stop taking it in even if that is what drives us to the end.
I don't know why he did it. what his inclination may have been. but I sure appreciate what he gave. sometimes I wish I wasn't so eager to take.
today I am grateful for a life lived out loud, a message to take it all in.
Today is your favorite two step.
and once in a while looking at us to say, "This is what it's like having cameras and sound equipment in your face."
he was just being that guy. That guy that when girls talk about chefs, they mention he's their favorite. He was incredibly sexy in that he seemed to leap at life while scrambling to show us that we should never stop taking it in even if that is what drives us to the end.
I don't know why he did it. what his inclination may have been. but I sure appreciate what he gave. sometimes I wish I wasn't so eager to take.
today I am grateful for a life lived out loud, a message to take it all in.
Today is your favorite two step.
Friday, June 8, 2018
strategy
"I know how I'm going to beat you."
"You know I'm trying to sleep."
"Exactly."
"What?"
"I'm going to leave three hours before you every morning. No way I'll be faster so I'll have to hike longer."
Today I am grateful for a morning swim.
"You know I'm trying to sleep."
"Exactly."
"What?"
"I'm going to leave three hours before you every morning. No way I'll be faster so I'll have to hike longer."
Today I am grateful for a morning swim.
inclination
Two hours before daylight. He says, "I don't want to surprise anyone. I want them to know we're coming." His job is to know what's ahead of him, what his goal is, and how he can best do what he needs to do. They have that in common, those two. Why would they put themselves up against giant challenges? Face the best of the best?
"But weren't the best times the hardest ones?" He asked.
"Yes," I said.
Today we both remove ourselves from the game in order to play a solitaire one.
I am grateful for writing and focus and we haven't even started the music this morning.
Are you ever sad you gave your child something? Then he says to you, "I want to know my personal best." And in your head you think, "Man, I love that guy."
"But weren't the best times the hardest ones?" He asked.
"Yes," I said.
Today we both remove ourselves from the game in order to play a solitaire one.
I am grateful for writing and focus and we haven't even started the music this morning.
Are you ever sad you gave your child something? Then he says to you, "I want to know my personal best." And in your head you think, "Man, I love that guy."
Thursday, June 7, 2018
Wednesday, June 6, 2018
today wasn't so scary
It was a mess of ground beef, shredded cheese, sliced tomatoes, chopped chilis, jalapenos, and sour cream piled on top of a crisp biscuit. She cooked to music, and I took notes and photos and yes, the photographer does get to eat her work. I didn't make it to the pool, but he approved the article and we giggled like children. Though maybe nothing will ever totally remove that sinking feeling, it could be that it's there to remind us of how good it is to just be here. now.
Today I am grateful for the story of John Wayne's casserole, a new bathing suit, hugs, and a growing assurance that it's okay to just be.
(don't get too confident, crazy.)
He says, "You saw that one thing that one time."
"That's where you're wrong."
Today I am grateful for the story of John Wayne's casserole, a new bathing suit, hugs, and a growing assurance that it's okay to just be.
(don't get too confident, crazy.)
He says, "You saw that one thing that one time."
"That's where you're wrong."
people who make you sing out loud in public places
Have you ever had someone in your life that when they enter the room, a rather large one with other diners, it's like a birthday party? They are bursting with so much love and good energy that you start singing with them. Out loud. In a public place. Without sedatives.
I am grateful for those people who are so good you just want to introduce the world to them.
I am grateful for those people who are so good you just want to introduce the world to them.
Tuesday, June 5, 2018
focus, you
"Oh, joy begin."
Dave Matthews
It's a command, not a plea. It's not outside. It's here. If somebody has been working on you like you work on everyone else. Then yes. You should get it by now.
Today you are grateful for work, for a lunch, for other writers, for a countdown, for phones, computers, a car, and an all day hiking type of sleep.
(surely you can get that one article done tonight.)
Dave Matthews
It's a command, not a plea. It's not outside. It's here. If somebody has been working on you like you work on everyone else. Then yes. You should get it by now.
Today you are grateful for work, for a lunch, for other writers, for a countdown, for phones, computers, a car, and an all day hiking type of sleep.
(surely you can get that one article done tonight.)
betting on john
He brings music instead of flowers. I make cookies instead of cake. Three more minutes but then we'll have to wait. He can't pout from smiling though it's cute when he tries. It's a gamble of pros and cons and don't go down this road, let it come to you. Then we'll worry about whatever letter you're wanting to write.
Today I am grateful for lawnmowers and trucks and fishing poles and hunts. Shoulders, a cap, that t-shirt, those jeans. The boots he removes at the door. His bare feet. The smile, the laugh, the slow dance.
Today I am grateful for lawnmowers and trucks and fishing poles and hunts. Shoulders, a cap, that t-shirt, those jeans. The boots he removes at the door. His bare feet. The smile, the laugh, the slow dance.
Sunday, June 3, 2018
the missing
Video got put aside with a computer which refuses to hold it.
Must send that killer piece of machinery back tomorrow.
Today is lemon pie and lemon blueberry cake.
I think something's missing.
He calls and we laugh.
Nothing's missing.
Let's just listen to music tonight.
Today I am grateful that he is prepared and smart and alert and old enough to know what he can handle.
Must send that killer piece of machinery back tomorrow.
Today is lemon pie and lemon blueberry cake.
I think something's missing.
He calls and we laugh.
Nothing's missing.
Let's just listen to music tonight.
Today I am grateful that he is prepared and smart and alert and old enough to know what he can handle.
two steps, two articles
 |
| Critical thinking |
Yes, it happens once a year and you were disappointed how you handled last year but this is just like anything else. One step at a time.
He sent an article on critical thinking, and you are now calmly and critically thinking of ways you haven't worn your head for more than a hat rack.
You went for a small hike, and you thanked your right leg for saving you. He laughed. Sometimes hiking is about hearing someone laugh.
You want to send her the piece by Rakoff (here at 31:43). She would laugh.
Today I am grateful for the hike.
Saturday, June 2, 2018
preparation list
Water. We were lucky then. It was in all the right places. Filtering was all we needed.
Shoes. Two pair. Fit, grip, how they handle water.
Food. Hot, cold, dehydrated, prepared, flavors your body will be craving when it's pushed past limits you gave it.
Tent. One person, even if there is another there.
Clothing. One change, one rain defense.
Will. Comes after the want.
Today I am grateful for an order which will make my kitchen smell like lemons and to hear that the blueberries are more than plenty.
Shoes. Two pair. Fit, grip, how they handle water.
Food. Hot, cold, dehydrated, prepared, flavors your body will be craving when it's pushed past limits you gave it.
Tent. One person, even if there is another there.
Clothing. One change, one rain defense.
Will. Comes after the want.
Today I am grateful for an order which will make my kitchen smell like lemons and to hear that the blueberries are more than plenty.
Friday, June 1, 2018
listen
 |
| a good trapped |
It feels so unlikely that I don't even know what it is until five minutes after it's happening to me. He says that I wasn't wearing my seat belt but I was and I am in the middle of explaining how I have for the past twenty years moved it from my shoulder to under my arm when I realize from the look on his face that I just need to shut up and listen.
"I'm wearing it wrong."
"Yes ma'am."
"Thank you."
He drives away.
Now I'm working against muscle memory when I start my car, but I do feel like I need to listen.
It's a phone interview in the realm of otherwise we'd never meet. Different cities, different circles. He had dinner with a name dropped last week. For forty-two minutes I attempted to type a conversation he agreed to have with me. To challenge him, push him, gather his secrets so I can bring them back to a group of kids who will hopefully read about him.
I hope I listened. It's the most important part of writing it.
We sit by a pool and I ignore the heat, the horseflies, and whatever else may have been happening around me because she is sitting by me, and it has not been more important for me to listen all week.
Today I am grateful to know when to listen.
Off to write. Later to swim.
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