you understand

Grateful. Yes.

seasonal flowers

Willa knows, and mama says, "She likes me."

"Yeah. No doubt, but I don't trust her. I think she only likes you for your candy. You always have candy for her. She's just trying to get to the candy."

"She loves me."

"Yes. For the candy."


Today I am grateful for talk of Halloween.

it's okay to let go, the gift of misinterpretation

I know it will be okay. Como happens soon, and Ben is playing in the middle of the night again. And I laughed about fashion which obviously contributed to a bad mood. Today I am grateful for a home, a roof, a desk, a floor, and the night I got over Ben Harper was a song called Crazy Amazing. I don't even believe him anymore.


Except both you and him know the score. All he has to do is write one thing or send one song for me to misinterpret. It is a gift, the way I can destroy something that sometimes feels so like it's supposed to be. Except maybe not.




I felt stronger with him, but it's just because of the way he looked at me.
The way he looks at everyone.
Good for the world.
Good for me.


I know. I should care about the world. I do.

good morning

Better, I think.

I miss him and I should just plan to

The tragedy of a song feels like not a tragedy at all. Just a fade to.


Today I am grateful that surely he knows we never have to spend another single moment looking into each other's eyes. I'm just here, boo.


good morning

straightening the desk

Oh if you only knew the writing on the pages underneath Larry's book. Surely it's time we gather around the table again. Jim Miller (of no traceable relation) sent "Appears To Be Working" years ago (a decade maybe) when I was skipping around talking about publishing a book.

The problem was that I wasn't good enough to be in a book with the writers writing next to me.
And I wanted a story there. Maybe I'm still not good enough, but I think it's time to try this again.


Today I am grateful for a dinner with friends.

riding a bus being dreamy

It's that fish lens of a mirror which faces you.
The blue sky,
the yellow bus,
the pines, the keys,
the pavement, the hum.

And dialogue with him.


dot dot dot (long live the ellipses)
also, he is the only man I have ever accepted an Lol from.
that exclamation point? yes!



Today I am grateful for a slow start,
a driver/comedian,
the lighting,
the stage,
the people,
and a phone.

I make babies cry

It wasn't the terror scream her parents first witnessed when she was meeting me, but it was an uncomfortable, awkward, you're weird, why are you in my house type of thing.


Today I am grateful for progress.

impressive man

He thinks in a thorough transformation as if he is analyzing the very last detail of all something could be in a split second of everything.

He will make, she writes.

He already is, I reply.


Today I am grateful for him.

electronic post it notes

The text of the day read,

"What y'all want me to make?"

Texted the woman who makes everything and I've gotta get my butt in gear and make a night for her. Good gosh, people. Great people give greatly. It's what they do for a living. It's what she does.



"You do you, Boo."

Thumb typed the favorite.

Today I am grateful for phones. You knew it was happening.

so there's this kid

within her and him

"Are you a hobo?" She asks.
And I can only imagine I am answering a queen. "Yes."
"You're not good enough for my son. You lack so many things."
I nod. "Agreed."



Today I am grateful for a woman, a mother, a leader, a kindness who bred him, a smile I can see.

seriousness

This is serious.

Serious is six days in two months and five sections and 18,000 calories and he said, "The second day is always the worse no matter how many days you're out there. I was out there for four. That's as much as I've done."

"We can do six."

"Right?"

"When?"


Grateful for conversations with a kid.



Huge question to be explored: How many characters and their different voices will I set free on the upcoming journey? Hopefully, they all stay. We'll see.

silliness

at that blinking yellow light.



Today I am grateful for the sounds of the season, a weather that makes me shiver, mouth harp music, and a fire.

To drink? Water with lemon.

dramatic 😎 cool

I don't even like Pink's music but I send it because he makes me loopy.
And he's right. She can SANG.
All of them can.



Plus, I like to sometimes pretend I'm getting over the loopy part, i.e. now when I tell myself he has to have weekly pedicures, look at himself in magnifying mirrors, take two hours to get ready to go anywhere, and will not hike with me.


Today I am grateful for the kindness of a guy who I decided was more than even could be possible. Plus, he does admit. It was flattering.

family

Today I am grateful for family.

giving up is the best part

Our third date included short leaf pine straw under twenty year old trees with all the stars beyond them. A headlamp, backpack, sleeping bag, and water.


Today I am grateful for the ability to take a hint and a hike.


He was correct. Jack just loved his guitar.

in definitely

Not the through hike of the Appalachian but four days, three nights, yes.

Today I am grateful for sections three, four, and could we do five then?


Como.
Pinhoti.
November.


And maybemaybemaybe head spinning him.

this or that

I imagine I would turn on the music and whisper, "How wonderful is this?"


Instead I text, "At some point in your future life you must watch The Kindergarten Teacher. Ohgoodgosh. Netflix." As a result I started my day with him adding my suggestion to his "must watch list" which was either sadly or joyously or both wonderful.



She says she just needs a friend.
And I don't know if I even know what that means.



It could be that you just think you know what you see.


Today I am grateful for a meeting, for plenty of people, for a sane reason.

some old love song and great texts

Riding buses is when I texted him and sometimes even now I think to.


I have stories for you, and I desperately want to watch you laugh but if you come today, you can't touch me.

                             missing that smile that just crossed his face

He would have instantly known and thought, "But she can touch me as she tells me her stories."
He would've texted back,

I'll be there at 4


Today I am grateful for fantasy and all the music supporting it.


Plus, great texts happen all the time.

the actual last hill

He would stop and wait up ahead. I'd just be strolling along watching my feet or struggling hearing my breath, my pulse. You do put yourself up against something there, some mountain you've been trying to climb

but the trick of the trail is you're getting to that actual last hill

incline
is incline infinity

and don't be fooled by going down a hill. up's coming.


Today I am grateful for a kid, a guide.

"This is not the actual last hill. The last one is coming. I just want you to know we're getting close."
The Trail Guide

sweet potato fries and sweet tea

He and I will now smile when we hear someone say, "Sweet potato fries."
About one-quarter of that bag got puked down a hill.
But let's not get only five miles into the hike yet.
Let's remember the blue because I sure as hell didn't get a picture of those rocks, that water, the glistening color which confronted me. And I'm saying you can't do it. Not with a camera phone.

Let's talk about the word "hill" and how subjectively speaking that word can be confusing. If you had never on foot climbed one of those inclines they call a hill, you might think the same as what I just witnessed. Four miles in the dark, he and I did it.


The past three days I have been grateful for headlamps, dry stable rocks, the owls who didn't like our light, that one place we camped, that other one too. I forgive Dollar General for their lack of cold chocolate water so affectionately termed "Yoo Hoo!" (termed and branded)


Light, light peeking through trees.
That first day we danced on the trail. And we were good. Him up ahead. Me behind.
The next day we could not imagine kicking our leg up that high.
We both slowed down.
And there was that jump which led to that joke of, "No nothing wrong with the knees. I just didn't know my back had whatever that was in it." And I thought he was laughing at my joke of pretending to walk backwards and saying, "I can only walk backwards now."

But no, he was laughing because I seemed confused and incoherent but happy.

Today I am grateful for elevation sickness, for pushing my body to the point of my toes hurt when I sit. I am also grateful to know I'd do it all again. (just not too soon. good gosh people.)


I am grateful for plenty of fluids.

hike eve

Not going to complain that I can't take my camera.

It's the muscle pain in the left side of my neck caused by the whiplash of hearing that he passed the stone.

Hearing, "Hey. I passed it. We can go tomorrow."

I did then especially notice how my feet felt in my shoes. "Was that a rock? What's wrong with my toe? Uhoh, I have to get comfortable in my skin and my bones moving up and over rock and dirt and in wind and rain and I think I said I couldn't complain."


So far my favorite part is calling and hearing from him. It's been too long, kid.



Today I am grateful for a trip, a tough kid, and for the laughs we are already getting and giving. I am grateful that these hiking sandals came with directions and waterproofing is easy.





(And yes, I too, feel like maybe the waterproofing thing was not supposed to be so easy and I'll find out in the next couple of days how much harder it should have been. Potential comedy for the trail.)

get well soon card

Photograph Courtesy of Javante Charles

Get ready for some good comedy, son. 

We'll smile our way through this one.

Copy courtesy of mom

him and her

He says, "You don't need to come."
And that's funny.
If he needed me, I wouldn't have to come.
I would already be there.

I need to see him.
Hear him.
Watch him as he wakes up.

And yes, it could be he was so threatened by my level of fitness and hiking abilities that he feigned a kidney stone. That is a possibility. I must verify this is a legitimate postponement of activities.



Today I am grateful that we were not on the trail when he went down.
She takes much better care of him, and I am definitely grateful for her.

dear you,

My son introduced me to what you do. "You gotta see him, mom," I think he said.

Your videos are the reason I have much of my equipment.

And tonight I introduced your work to another kid I know.

Thank you.

on that return

If your day starts with producing a movie and the first people you talk to you ask, "Do you want to be in my movie?"

And they say yes like you are a producer.
You do it. You produce a movie about them.

And you don't care if anyone else likes it because you love that movie because you love them.



Today I am grateful for a beautiful cast, a decent lens, the questions of why and what does it mean. A kid who got some help, a kid who teaches me. Maybe sometimes Monday can be one of the best days of the week.

cadence of is

No need to read the following if you listen to Nora Jones sing Turn Me On.


"You've been inside a long time."

"Yes."

 "I'm nervous."

"Why?

"Three years. How long for you?A day?A week?"

He smiles in a whisper, "Longer than that," puts my face in his hands, and moves in.



Today I am grateful for a southern rhythm, for impending, for when you have to remember to breathe. For how when I think of him I want to pull my sleeves down to the ends of my fingers and bring both hands under my chin and you know you like a man when you like thinking about him and laughing with friends and by yourself about how nice that conversation was. is.

next time

He drove away.

Then wrote I will next time and sent it to me.




Today I am grateful for comedic props,
stories of birds hiding under leaves,
that one song, that plane, a ceiling fan, water,

and a kiss.

He's good at a kiss.



I'll see.

Dear Virginia and Let's Go, Kid

If after homecoming you come home, it has to be the sweetest coming home there is.
Almost as if you wake up and say, "Wait. Where were we?"

(Just sitting at a table.)

I whisper, "I miss you."

He apologizes before saying all I needed to hear before starting the day.



There. Right up there would've been perfect.
Surely nobody has time for anything more.


Instead I push with no apologies necessary and thank you, you gave me what I needed.



Today I am grateful for hiking gear and a way to seal my tent.
Good shoes and a promise of a drop in temps.

we come in peace

Photograph courtesy of Javante Charles.
Editing by me.




Today I am grateful for a collaboration.

surprise (you had to be there and not be our mother)

She says we're much worse now than when we were kids, and there is a part of me that's ashamed as there should be, but when I call her house to get her to read something for me and its eight o'clock in the evening, he shouldn't be there.

"Hello."

"Hey mom."

"Hey, Shea."

"Whatcha doing?"

"Sitting here talking to Josh."

"He's there?"

"Yes. He came to get a cup of coffee."

"Let me talk to him."


"Hello, Shea." He does a solid sinister to a sister voice.

"Ohmygosh. Seriously? Is she in her pajamas right now? Is she trying to rest?" I try my best bullying to a brother voice.

"Shea?"

"Yes."

He breaks a bit here. I can hear him smile. "Good night."

Then he hangs up the phone.

I call back trying not to laugh but it only gets funnier when he answers.

"Hello."

"Josh, let me talk to mom now."

"Shea. Good night."

This time I'm crying while I laugh.

Then I try to call a friend to ask if she can read what I need because Josh won't let me talk to Mom and she'll ask how that happened and she'll start laughing.

But then the phone starts beeping and I see it's Mom's number and I think it must be her just dying to know what she could do for me before we were so rudely interrupted. I answer quickly,

"Hello."

It's a fairly long pause before we both start laughing and he says, "Mom says you need to stop calling her because you're waking up dad."

When he hands her the phone she is still kind to her grown kids when she says, "You are worse now than when you were kids."


Today I am grateful for a reading, a funny family, and for a little wackiness in what can be an overheated world. (read spoiled rotten)

the time coming

"What is today?"
"The first day of the week. The best week of the year."
"No. You're still not getting me."
"That's all I know. Please tell me there's nothing else."
"We're going to have to get on the same page."
"What other page could there be?"
"What's the second habit?"
"Begin with the end in mind. You're killing me."





So maybe this end is late Friday or early Saturday or Wednesday afternoon or Thursday night.
Maybe it never ends or does twenty years from now.



Today I am already grateful for early Saturday when I ache from running, squatting, lifting, carrying, cussing, acting like a fool, missing free food, reading texts, sharing laughs, hoping I offend only a few, and getting the work done because what else would we do.





He used to sing this, and I used to wish it was me.

for day 2 of 5 and 10

I am grateful for people, for acceptance, for yesterday, for today, for grapes, for water, for lemon, for music. there's so much to be grateful for.

come

and listen.

day one of five and ten

Laugh, smile, and tell two people that this is the greatest week of our lives.
And why not?
Let's believe it.



Today we blend into a past of backroads and dirt pits and believing we knew better than the people telling us. We didn't, and we did. Just like everyone (I've met) before us and everyone (I've met) after us.


Today I am grateful for us.