You've been here before. You know how smart I want to be.
Today I failed.
Someone asked me a simple question, and I didn't answer. I cut with a sarcastic tone of I can't take this anymore. If you had been there you would've crossed your arms, shook your head, and said, "Chic, you're not the only one living here."
In my head was screaming, "You have tackled an issue which is too big for you. You can't do this. You can't make this happen. You are over your head, girl. Stay on the shallow end, lady."
I could say it was because it was Monday but don't a lot of people use a day of the week as an excuse. Did I want to play victim to a particular twenty-four hours on a calendar? No. I long ago said I was smarter than that.
So why? Why did I act like a fool today?
My only excuse is that doubt in my head. The only pressure I felt is what I put on myself.
At some point something or someone within may have suggested that I couldn't do what I had planned.
List of things to do today:
1. Publish nine photos. The best of which have ever entered your email.
2. Tell that person that you are amazed by her.
3. Think to yourself, "What a gift you've been given!"
4. You need to give back something equally as stunning.
5. Plan to write an article explaining math.
6. Understand that you know very little about math.
7. Panic because you begin to tell yourself that you will not meet your self imposed deadline.
8. Remember how much you used to detest the word deadline.
9. Forget that you have already proven to yourself that you can handle it.
10. Totally freak out.
11. Don't drink enough water.
12. Feel gross and bloated.
13. Snap at someone who asks you a simple question.
11. Get the article in eight hours late.
12. Write a blog post on how you were lesser than today.
13. Plan to do greater than tomorrow.
Today I am grateful for second grade math when on that one test I got greater than and lesser than backwards. I am grateful for the smile on Mrs. Smith's face when I saw that zero and then started explaining every mistake away.
"I did the opposite. I was unsure so I just went with a way. Can I do it again? Give me the test and I'll make a hundred."
"No," she said.
It was one of the greatest lessons I learned, which way those symbols went. Since I was only seven years old I have remembered that.
Until today when I obviously forgot what those symbols meant.
(and there is at least one why of math)