Tuesday, May 19, 2015

in the losing of the periphery, focus

We become exactly who we are and we run home and we don't have any pain medication so we don't take any and we lay down and we rest.

Then we get up and think of everything we have to do so we start doing things one after the other.

Edit photos.
Work.
Don't exercise. You have the excuse of the upcoming headache which never came.
Family.
Eat.
Nap.
See Aunt Dottie.


And it was good the seeing because when I walked in the door I sat down on the couch and held her hand and I said, "You gotta keep it down in here. They're getting complaints about you."

She cut her eyes at me, gave me a chance to take it back, shook her head and then took in more air than she has been doing for ages. (as much of a laugh as I can try to make her)

And she says something about giving up.

And I say, "You know I don't know anything but I'd say that life is at least partly are you going to climb back up."

"What do you mean?"

"Are you going to fight for this?" (says the girl who just this morning wrote about stop the struggle)

"I don't know. Sometimes I think I am and sometimes I think I'm not. You know Daddy died young."

"I know. I understand wanting to be just like him when I grow up. I sometimes think about that when I am with Jess. I'm an aunt and I totally want to be a Papaw but for longer. and you got Brandi and Todd and Dylan and Skylar and Serenity."

"It's just, Shea, that I started working when I was thirteen. I started making money then. And I don't have a dime."

"But you got Brandi and Dylan and Todd and Skylar and Serenity. Think how rich you are."


"Not material things."


"Of course not."




Today I am grateful for a chance to visit Aunt Dottie, to see a play the likes of broadway with a star of I have her autograph. She and they rock. I am grateful for a woman dressed in blue who speaks of butterflies. I am grateful to have walked into what felt like some kinda little mini Woodstock where kids were getting ready to form a peace sign. I am grateful for emails and good music and a conversation with my son.


I am grateful for the material things (a home, a car, gas, running water, electricity, a phone, clothing, shoes, t-shirts, pants, all those things that I think I need to get to get where I am going). Those things are great as well.


This movie has been on repeat.


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