Thursday, January 29, 2015

habit here.

My disease is talking to me.
You seriously need to smoke
but not so harsh.

It's saying,

"Just stop by the store. Just smoke on the porch. It could be like an event. Just stop by the store. Just have one in the morning. Just one a day."

"Just stop by the store. You'll figure it out."

(not as constant. it is getting better. but I still have reminders everywhere. I have to clean that up.)

"If you had stopped by the store today you could have a cigarette right now. You usually smoke when you write. What if quitting smoking takes away the writing. Oh yeah, you could lose your ability to work without those things. You can't stop."

somebody has a plan tomorrow afternoon.

Right now I am replying,

"Nice move, Chessmaster 3000. Not working. Though you are so tempting. I swear. You are there on every level, my usedtobe habit. But

you have to go walk just tonight. You don't have to do it tomorrow.
Just tonight. Go. And water. Remember you're drinking your water too.
And those carrots. You should be proud of yourself. Celery too.
You still have that little yellow lighter you carry around as some sort of crutch. I get it.
Someday you may stop picking up and squeezing that lighter.
You're going to have to put that lighter in a place. Just leave it on the table.
Light the candle with it at night. Tomorrow maybe.

Good work, chic. You're not a smoker anymore. Stop identifying with that. It's insane, and you're not that crazy. Today anyway. (okay you are a little crazy but that's okay because everyone is. we all have some of that. feel loved and welcomed. stop fighting monsters in your head but just the ones who tell you to smoke, make friends with the ones who are there to walk.

Thank you, Cathy. I will be better next time. hopefully)

Tonight I am writing that life is math. Addition and subtraction. It's the coldest hardest truth, but it's honest and I need to be better at being addition rather than subtraction. Maybe one day I will be better at handling subtraction but total drama queen. Yesterday was good other than a slight emergency but nobody was injured so there's that.

And well.
I have gratitude.

Today I am grateful for the ability and the time to contemplate my gratitude. Life is good is one thing I can tell myself. At a certain point happiness is choice surely.

Thank you for the thought.

(and thank you for the book, Dad. Yes, I do understand it's significance. It's great. I read a chapter yesterday.)

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