Tuesday, November 27, 2012
How bad I sucked in a relationship was pretty, fairly, entirely I sucked.
Do not take that away from me.
I own it.
The I better get married thing is what happens when you get pregnant out of wedlock which sounds like an ancient term but one that was part of my raising. I got knocked up and knew the abortion thing was not my personal choice. Get married or raise him on my own, I debated those choices heavy.
Use contraception if you choose to have sex and haven't already planned the rest of your life, not to mention someone else's. Or, as Mallory has vowed, don't have sex. It's an option.
The story of Slater is a beautiful one but it would have been better if his Dad and I could have both been there.
I wasn't into people who liked me. There, I said it. The guys I dated didn't really like me but that made sense 'cause I wasn't such a big fan either. I ran around constantly trying to do good so maybe I could convince someone I really was good. Not too long ago I told Slater that I felt like my former relationships had been a series of stalkings. He laughed at the truth of that.
I still catch myself doing stuff like that but now I ask myself what is your intention usually in the form of, what you are trying to do here, freak?
Deeds. nah. not so much. Intention. everything.
Major, major, boy, if I ever had an issue in this thing we call life it was control.
In the form of.
This is how I see things.
This is how you will see things too.
I am right.
What? You don't agree.
That makes you wrong.
Now I try to take it easy because the aggressive bully thing is totally last season.
Admitting you're not so good at a thing is not so bad.
I'm a quitter. I give up. I can actually return someone's stare and say, This is not working. This place where we are is the closest definition I have of hell. No, it's not your fault. It's totally mine. Sorry this didn't work out but it's just I know you see it too, we're not good at this.
This is the hardest thing to admit since I have been witness to couples who get past that point in a marathon where everything gives up. What is it called? When your muscles turn to tar and your bones take the form of knives. When your lungs fill or gasp but neither allow the other. When your organs get together and in their most impressive stance say nope, this is not our party.
Those couples who I've seen make relationships work, they keep running because it was a marathon they signed up for and well, that was important.
Every step forward is progress.
A year or two after I started publishing my own writing Rick said he knew why I did it.
I got in a defensive stance and took what I felt like was bait, Why?
You want to be validated.
I want to connect?
No. You need someone to tell you that you're okay.
There could have been a low growl heard somewhere from my end of the line but that was years ago because I felt like he was saying I wasn't.
Today I am grateful to accept that it is okay to not always be okay. We all have our days.
Christmas gift buying suggestion because I know you come here to shop.
Not the movie. The book.
This is not an easy read. Cormac breaks all the rules of proper punctuation in the purest voice of a father who could be a mother or any one person in this world who has taken on the responsibility of another. It is deep, profound. There will be times you'll read a sentence that is a paragraph and you'll read it three more times and you'll take a long breath, close the book and set it down. You've never cheered two people on so hard and have never, ever been so broken hearted but there's a red fern which grows and I couldn't recommend it if it didn't.