Sunday, October 7, 2012

the moment we went missing to each other

Incident One in oil on wood by Gary Chapman, 2000 Best of Show Meridian Museum of Art

You say somebody loses.
I want to know who.

Hear me out. You will roll your eyes 'cause for a moment it's gonna appear as if I am the kind of girl who is all hippie, believes in peace and wants to give all the little kids trophies.

You can't read if you're rolling your eyes.

Last night while I was walking around the museum you were whispering in my ear. I'd break away, focus my attention on whatever caught my eye and take a shot and another and another until I thought I had what I wanted.

Then you would whisper again, It's the voices in our heads, it's the same abstract group of somewhat mythical, shifty hobgoblin type forces that haunt your dreams.

I smiled. With you I float. There is a two piece band, guitar and mouth harp. They're playing these cool songs we know, we would dance to if we were alone.

Again with the whisper, Are they creatures? Sometimes. Are they spirits? Sometimes. Do they manifest themselves as people? Sometimes. Sometimes they exist solely to derail your plans, your hopes, your dreams. They have no conscious but oh do they ever have a sense of humor. A twisted sense of humor.

We sit on steps, watch a man smoke. He can't help but overhear us. There is a new chill to the air. It's nice, this autumn.

I take your hand in both of mine and say what if there is a what if.

You roll your eyes. You can't listen if you roll your eyes.

I know the they you speak of but I had to stop fighting them. In the win lose I wanted all of us to be winners. Even the simple voices, you know the ones in our heads, they wouldn't get to go all the places they go without being there. Not good enough used to be a threat. Now it's an okay. It's a yeah, I can be better so I keep trying. Thanks, voices. Now sit with me while we read a good book.

It's the creatures, the spirits, the people too. Could it be the ones we have the problems with are the ones who came to show us our problems? I know, I know. That's like some type of supreme being, order stuff, like God knows what he's doing or however you wanna say it. 

We find us in the world. In our parents, in our kid, in our friends, in our leaders, in our pets, everywhere. Pieces of us. everywhere. We are just constantly teaching and learning and breathing and eating and going to museums and checking out the last farmer's market of the season.

Paulette getting ready for work, Clarksdale in color photograph, 1984 Best of Show Meridian Museum of Art

Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it, because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.
Frederick Buechner

Today I am grateful for those voices in my head, those people around me, even the spirits and creatures who got me to where I am today.

No comments: