Friday, May 4, 2012
a momentary cease of worry
He used to say you can't partake of the Lord's Supper if you're not in the right frame of mind. Even then I knew I needed a calm soul, a mind willing to trust and receive. It was so much easier then. Now the how should I, what will they think, is this right, is that wrong, stop looking at me that way, the thoughts do somersaults in my brain. On one hand I need to be accepted but on the other I can't care. I know worry never got me anywhere.
I am losing light but think I have the shot. A few more just in case then I can get in my car and go home. I can do this, won't blow this, so close now, get in the car and drive. Walking past a group of people congregated outside I am not rude. I return the normal, hi. Ten feet away, almost away, almost there I hear a man say my name.
On one hand I could run, take off, they're not going to chase me. It could provide some humor for the group, something they could talk about later. You remember that night down in Como when we were standing outside and we saw Shea and we said her name and she took off all crazy running down main street?
Yeah, that girl. She's nuts.
On the other hand I turn around, see the face of someone I know I am supposed to know. I pick the wrong hand, I should have run. He doesn't help me one bit. Instead he walks toward me with a tell me who I am look on his face. This is the worst, a nightmare of the brain running over to a file cabinet and attempting to retrieve a file but this office never had a good secretary and everything is such a mess. It gives up and tells me to fuck off.
He is getting closer.
I stand there and raise my hands in defeat, How do I know you?
He smiles and now stands in front of me. Nothing, he is giving me absolutely nothing.
From the hospital?
He smiles and shakes his head.
I could still run.
He says his name. I recognize the who, the where.
The brain finds the file located in the ten years ago cabinet, the one I had tried to burn.
Today I am grateful to take a break from all the worry to look at where the worry got me before so maybe for a moment I'll stop worrying.