Thursday, February 9, 2012


Kim forgot her ankle weights. I should have gotten back in my car.

Remember how we, you and me, decided we would perform clinical trials on the effectiveness of acupuncture and there would be weekly updates found on this here where people come to find all their healthcare needs blog? Yeah, that was a month ago. I know. It's just that Kim's updates were so horrifying. There was clearly a risk I would be sued by the entire acupuncture industry if I relayed the information. Mom always said if I didn't have anything kind to say then I should just keep my mouth shut. Until now keeping Kim's experience under wraps seemed like the most prudent thing to do.

It was that needle in the tip top center of her skull which made my brain scream, Never. Never do that, you who carries me around in your head. Now I have to wonder if it was that one needle which didn't exactly get rid of Kim's homicidal ideation but changed it. A month into acupuncture and our friend Kim has gone through a type of transformation.

Seriously. I saw it yesterday.

She looked the same, all cute and shiny and yes, still short. I started wishing I was short 'cause it goes well with bubbly and happy and not talking about killing anybody. On the outside it looked as if acupuncture could wipe out the entire murder industry and get rid of all those shows on television where everyone is finding more creative ways to kill each other. It wasn't long before I realized it was only going to give murderers and their shows more material.

Before acupuncture Kim would have bludgeoned someone to death. After acupuncture she will just take them on a walk. The latter I found to be more evil with all the smiling and talking and laughing. It wasn't funny, and I almost died on that mountain she called a hill. That one over there, X marks the spot right at the top and she just kept on and on and I realized she was enjoying it. My friend of thirty years was enjoying watching me die. Loving it so much she was giggling.

Way to go, acupuncture. Way to make death worse.

Dear Reader,

Please keep this as evidence just in case I don't come back from attempted murder next week. That is unless I can find the fitness protection program Debi joined. I am willing to relocate.

I always loved you,
Postmortem Shea

Post Script. If you can't find my body I am almost certain she pushed me off the top of the second mountain (hill my ass) into the woods on the right. Yeah, that'll be how she does it.

Grateful for friends, especially the evil ones.

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