Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Slater and I have this hall thing. I pass by his room, he's in his bed with his computer and I say, Hey babes, on my way to the bathroom.
And he says, Hey Mom.
And we smile.
That's the important part. That's when you know you're okay. when your kid is. Crazy, isn't it? And I feel bad sometimes. very bad. 'Cause as a kid you should not have to assure your mother that she's okay. So hey, you, my boy, babes, I'm okay.
But I do have to admit that the other night when I walked by on my way to the bathroom and I said, Hey babes.
And you smiled and said I'm gonna miss this.
And I stopped and stuck my head in and we both smiled at each other and I did the spastic pee pee dance.
You were beautiful and you smiled big and me too.
I never knew that your child growing up was this hard and this beautiful all at the same time.
Pity is not love but I do hate it for your Daddy that this moment was at least one of the holes in his heart and I wish for him. I really do.He's hard to love because he never loved himself and that is the most tragic story. but it ain't over yet. he's still alive. there's still time. till his last dying breath he can be a daddy.
like my daddy.
Is gratitude enough? I sure hope so.