Tuesday, January 10, 2012

the kids



Slater and I have this hall thing. I pass by his room, he's in his bed with his computer and I say, Hey babes, on my way to the bathroom.

And he says, Hey Mom.

And we smile.

That's the important part. That's when you know you're okay. when your kid is. Crazy, isn't it? And I feel bad sometimes. very bad. 'Cause as a kid you should not have to assure your mother that she's okay. So hey, you, my boy, babes, I'm okay.

But I do have to admit that the other night when I walked by on my way to the bathroom and I said, Hey babes.

And you smiled and said I'm gonna miss this.

And I stopped and stuck my head in and we both smiled at each other and I did the spastic pee pee dance.

You were beautiful and you smiled big and me too.




I never knew that your child growing up was this hard and this beautiful all at the same time.

Pity is not love but I do hate it for your Daddy that this moment was at least one of the holes in his heart and I wish for him. I really do.He's hard to love because he never loved himself and that is the most tragic story. but it ain't over yet. he's still alive. there's still time. till his last dying breath he can be a daddy.

like my daddy.




Is gratitude enough? I sure hope so.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

SHEA, YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL MOTHER AND DAUGTHER. IT TOOK A LOT FOR YOU TO WRITE THAT LAST PARAGRAPH.I LOVE YOU FOR YOUR FORGIVING HEART.

Sarah said...

When I grow up I want to be like you. Strong, forgiving, and a huge heart..among a million other amazingly powerful traits that I greatly admire.

Shea Goff said...

1. I ain't all that but if I was all that it would at least be partially due to me knowing you two. So there's that.

2. Grown up? Sarah, I think it our purpose, you and me, to never lose sight of the child within us.

3. Admiration? I love you both.

Thank you for being here.

Johnny Boy said...

Your beautiful view of your son and your forgiveness of his father makes my heart yearn to be more like you. You're a fuckin inspiration. Thank you so much for all your posts.