Saturday, December 3, 2011

getting over getting defensive

In my late teens after much trial and error I decided my Mom was always right. Rather than being grateful for having some type of Yoda consultant in my life and concluding this was due to age and wisdom I found it easier to assume she was trying to jinx me and had a crystal ball somewhere which she utilized to predict the negative consequences of my questionable behavior. This, of course, was aggravating for a daughter who was constantly pushing boundaries and limits. It was as if she was cursing me before I even began. If only I could prove her wrong then hell if I know. I never did.

Always right, that woman.

Constantly damned, me.

Thus, last weekend as we discussed my most recent life changing decision to quit my job and run off on some type of vision quest her response of, Shea, I know what you are. You're idealistic newly unemployed, found me on the defensive.

Oh no, she didn't.

Yes, she did.

She also called me a rebel, but we're at least twenty-five years into that diagnosis. It was the idealistic newly parts which really got to me because they sounded so Fox News Network. God bless their shiny faces. One of those We know you, you have all these fancy little ideas running around in your head but no work ethic. You expect the rest of us to support your fanciful ass.

Please don't get me wrong. My Mom is my biggest fan and I her's. I don't think I could have any more respect for either her or my Dad. It's just that idealism can get a bad wrap because yeah, there have been some bad ideas and I have more than once feared I would be on some local radio station as Dumbass of the Day. It's just that there have also been some really great ideas in this world, and I couldn't change being idealistic if I wanted to, which I don't.

No, I am not Thomas Jefferson or John Adams or Albert Einstein or Bill Gates or Steve Jobs, all great idealists. Blogging, writing, photography were not some novel ideas that just popped into my head, but every night I come here and tell myself I don't have to do this. I don't have to write anything. I don't have to take or post a photograph and maybe I shouldn't. Insecurities abound, and this is definitely not the easiest job I have found. Yet there are those times when it is the most fulfilling.

So I am going with that.

I already have.

Plus in my aging wisdom one of the things I have found is that we humans find exactly what we are looking for since by and large we are the creators of our own world. For now this is the one I have chosen.

And I am grateful, more than you'll ever know, for the opportunity to work at this.

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