Wednesday, October 12, 2011

night before last and first world problems

There are days and ways it becomes too personal. The loss of a customer, the mood of a coworker, the latest confusion in a series of confusions when attempting to explain the confusion is more confusing. Maybe I should sweep the floor. I think I'm responsible for that as well.

Gratitude, right? Don't be some whiny person with a job in this economy. You could be tarring roofs in August or worse yet you could have no means of taking care of yourself or your son. Turn up the music, push down the anger and take it on the chin. Then say thank you 'cause you're lucky. You could be out on the streets wondering how you're ever going to feed him. You're either ninety-nine percent or one percent? How self fulfilling can prophecies be? Suck it up.

Steve Jobs said if you wake up enough mornings in a row and think this is not what I would want to be doing on the last day of my life then you need to change something but he was Steve Jobs. I am not.

This is my thirty-five mile commute home when I argue the pros and cons of being the hamster on this particular wheel. Sometimes I try to focus on the music, others I don't even realize it quit playing. Always I tell myself no matter where you go you will follow yourself there. Take responsibility. You are the problem. Get over yourself. Stop taking it so seriously and there's so much more but you've heard them all.

So there is your backstory to Monday when I came home and buried my head in a pillow and prayed for sleep. Two hours later I got up and made dinner for a sweet, smiling son out on fall break. We ate, talked, laughed and I tried to write something. It soon became evident the writing wasn't coming easy and I had had enough hard for the day so I walked into the living room for my date.

Dear World, 

I am dating a fictional character and that is one of the best things going on in my life right now. Yes, he is crippled and angry and I obviously love him. Go ahead and judge me. I'm really okay with that.

Someone who knows some things are better as fiction

I'm okay with your judgement but I'm not okay with baseball because when I walked into the living room to start playing the recorded one episode a fucking week of the one man (yeah, fictional, okay) who still makes me feel like a hot blooded woman it seemed that baseball had gone too long. Yes, the slowest sport was even slower. Go figure. I looked at the clock, saw there were five minutes left till the hour when House was supposed to be playing but some other stupid show was because of stupid, crappy, sorry but I hate baseball and I am not a fan of apple pie but I am still American so, once again, go figure.

Rage is confusing.


So I started screaming and stuttering at the same time, Slater! It's House! Baseball! All the while I'm pressing a red record  button on the remote over and over and my brain is screaming NO and I thought this is it. I can no longer deal with life. Slater ran into the room, saw me standing in front of the television desperately attempting to save my one little fantasy, took the remote from my hand, pressed a button and told me everything was going to be okay.

Dear Department of Human Services,

You can't take him away. He's nineteen and chooses to stay because sometimes I feed him. So there.

His Mom

I settled into the couch feeling all silly but happiness overrode it. I snuggled up into a blanket, sipped a Shiner Bock beer and Billy Sue laid her head on my feet. Yay, great ending huh?


No, there was no ending.

Nine minutes before the ending of House the recorder stopped and the current programming, which was the local news, began playing. I was not going to find out what happened to the lung, the cancer patient, House and Wilson's relationship, his new one woman staff who I loved or anything.

Dear Life,

I claim defeat. You got me. Congratulations. I can only hope to dream of the apocalypse now.

You know who I am

There were no tears on the outside but I was clearly crying within when I walked into Slater's room and explained in the most pitiful way how my fictional dream man had been taken away and I was going to bed without writing or anything and there were not enough Shiner Bock beers in the refrigerator to take away such pain.


When I awoke at 1am to write because I cannot not write what I found on my computer was a series of Notepad messages which went exactly like this...

Alright. Please read each document completely before reading the next one. Love you and have fun. 
Just minimize after you read and the next document will appear. 
It's computer magic. Don't question it.
Hopefully this will be the boost you need for an excellent day.
P.S. There is a surprise at the end.

I minimized.

So I was just walking around outside with Billy Sue and this guy showed up and he was really annoying. He kept talking about this big elephant in the room about him being in prison. Very strange man. He said he was very sorry you didn't get to see the end of this great part of his life on TV and that you deserved your own personal viewing. So guess what????

I minimized again.

He gave me the link to your own personal viewing of the episode.



Gregory House...


I know!!!! 
On the next page is the explanation of how this works. So read carefully. 

Careful. He knows what a tech idiot I am so I have to read carefully. Focus.

Since your loving son knows how much you love House he has found you the entire episode online.I went ahead and played it through until this point. Do not try to fast forward or rewind as that completely restarts the video. 
Love you and have a great day. And no. You will never be able to find this video again after you close the window so enjoy it while you have it. Sorry, the video quality kinda sucks but it was the best I could do. If I am asleep then sorry if it didn't work but don't wake me.
Just remember, no fast forward or rewind. You can only click play or pause. You are awesome and I know this isn't much but hopefully it shows a little of the appreciation you deserve.

Dear Reader,
I don't deserve Slater and I can't imagine being more grateful for the sweet mercy that is him.

1 comment:

Johnny Boy said...

You two are beautiful. I am in love. Unfortunately I suppose the beautiful woman I see him in so many pictures with is his loving girlfriend. lol This is wonderful; he is sweet, and you are beautiful, and you raised such a wonderful son, and I love love love hearing you write about him!

Today I am thankful for you, Ms. Shea, and your wonderful blog and the emotions it causes me.