Tuesday, July 26, 2011

memories

Even the dreams dreaded as worst case scenarios were acted by those without faces. I knew better but sometimes you just can't help yourself. Let it flow in and let it flow out. The being lava and not water did not work so well for you. Remember that, I think.

He walks in looking all serious.

I tend to resist change of which I am not in control. At the same time I don't want to take responsibility for big decisions of which I have little confidence. The conflict simply looks like it is on the outside but it is being played out for what it is within me. Remember that, I think.

I greet him but he says nothing so I mock him, It's nice to see you too, Shea. He hides his amusement. Later he sits on the desk next to me, I missed you this weekend.

I know, I say. Then we sit in the pause, an empty parenthesis.

This is better. Why did I dread? There were reasons, many excuses. The do you remembers can take up so much space. Always the answer, people will tell you who they are. Listen. Remember that, I think.

A couple of  hours go by and we have a quick conversation about no redeeming qualities. He laughs and so do I, but sometimes I don't even believe what I say. Not so much a lie as let's state an absurd fear. Remember that, I think.

He leaves me wanting and wondering but I am responsible enough to focus. Not long after we have lunch and a puzzle. Then a cigarette and back to the individual tasks.

Change will happen and I am not in control. I just need to focus on the task at hand. Lucian was a patient man. Remember that, I think.

Before I asked, Why would my heart send me down the wrong road?

And he answered, Maybe your life serves as a warning to others.

I don't want it that way, I said. But then, I am water.

Later when I come home I find a beautiful gift just where he said it would be. He made it with his own hands, and I can play it with mine.


Exquisite. Thank you.

I want to learn this song on my new cigar box guitar.

Gratitude.

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