He walks in looking all serious.
I tend to resist change of which I am not in control. At the same time I don't want to take responsibility for big decisions of which I have little confidence. The conflict simply looks like it is on the outside but it is being played out for what it is within me. Remember that, I think.
I greet him but he says nothing so I mock him, It's nice to see you too, Shea. He hides his amusement. Later he sits on the desk next to me, I missed you this weekend.
I know, I say. Then we sit in the pause, an empty parenthesis.
This is better. Why did I dread? There were reasons, many excuses. The do you remembers can take up so much space. Always the answer, people will tell you who they are. Listen. Remember that, I think.
A couple of hours go by and we have a quick conversation about no redeeming qualities. He laughs and so do I, but sometimes I don't even believe what I say. Not so much a lie as let's state an absurd fear. Remember that, I think.
He leaves me wanting and wondering but I am responsible enough to focus. Not long after we have lunch and a puzzle. Then a cigarette and back to the individual tasks.
Change will happen and I am not in control. I just need to focus on the task at hand. Lucian was a patient man. Remember that, I think.
Before I asked, Why would my heart send me down the wrong road?
And he answered, Maybe your life serves as a warning to others.
I don't want it that way, I said. But then, I am water.
Later when I come home I find a beautiful gift just where he said it would be. He made it with his own hands, and I can play it with mine.
|Exquisite. Thank you.|
I want to learn this song on my new cigar box guitar.