Once or twice I may have heard to never pray for patience 'cause God'll teach ya' and ain't nobody wanting to learn patience. I am trying to remember who said that, what their lives were like. Even now when I remind myself to not pray for patience I scold myself for even having the thought, is the thought to not pray a prayer within itself? Is this writing, in fact, a condemnation to the hell of impatience?
What is impatience? A feeling of cuspedness, to those of you who may be unfamiliar with the word I just now created, is a feeling of edge as if you are at the very top of the highest peak in all that is more and you are dangling. One foot balancing on the ground of what one knows to be true, factual, concrete: a coffee table, a book with pages and a hardcover, a chapter, typed words. The other dangles, held out into the void underneath it and the vast hope above it.
I have been standing in impatience, i.e. anxiety about what next in the headline Current Events.
an Is This It?
Is this where I jump and if I have to ask is the act of asking the art of answering? Maybe. So what does jump mean? And how personal of a question is that? Even the fact I use the term jump when my Mom utilizes step is quite an individual take on what happens next in the thoughts of a human.
This is when I think of my Dad, or Diddy as he says I say it but I hate that 'cause it sounds so childlike and sometimes I like to pretend I'm all adult and proper yet now I realize what matters more than what I call him is my access to him, to what is us and rare and precious and I know he put some jump in me way back when. This is history in the now.
This weekend is my story for the book. I travel to see him and do my very first interview with the one story I am satisfied to tell that forty year old woman in the future who is wondering is this standing on the cusp of what is next.
The photograph accompanying the story has only been shown in my Mother's home. It was taken with a now shelved camera, but, ya' know, even now it says everything.
See ya' Monday.