Do you remember that goofy little card you sent me via email that asked me to marry you? I closed it quickly. It made me nervous. I got scared that I had to say something which could change us. All of a sudden I was confronted with a question with which no answer would be an answer. I didn't want the you and me in us to change, but then you sent another email before I could even respond that said don't be scared, I don't care what you say, you don't have to say anything, it was just funny I thought, we're okay. Then we talked on the phone and laughed about it and I loved you more that day. Nobody ever asked me that question. And no, you don't need to ever ask it again.
Do you remember that night I played that one CD over and over again thinking that surely you would love it just as much as me but then maybe you got tired of it? I am listening to it right now, have listened to it for the past couple of months every time I write. I think that night contained the most intimate moments I have ever shared with anyone in my life. That night I knew the music changed for me, and if I ever got up enough courage to make you a mixed CD and pretend certain songs would be our songs forever then one of those songs would have to be on our soundtrack.
I know you remember this weekend when I was sick and you said you wished you were here to take care of me and I didn't want you to be 'cause I was so miserable and I don't like me miserable and I would dislike myself more being miserable around you 'cause then I would feel guilty for being so miserable. So then it would be sick, miserable and guilty all in one day and who can take that kind of misery? But then you were kind and understanding like you have been for so long and I realized how much more I loved you for that.
I am scared. You know that. The last thing I want is another shitty situation 'cause I am not being over dramatic in saying my heart just won't handle it. It can't.
Maybe this is healing. Maybe this is loving. Maybe this is being publicly vulnerable where a girl finally admits to herself she wants to believe the man standing right in front of her with his arms open so beautifully wide was all she could have ever wanted.
So the silly girl inside of me would totally put this next little ditty on your mix CD.