Saturday, April 2, 2011

knowing

First, it seems, there is this undeniable connection, an attraction though it bypasses any physical standards we are taught and seems to go beyond the all important genetic link as well. Sure, you're supposed to feel connected to your grandfather. You got at least a road on the map from him, but this is something more. Even now I find it hard to explain what the more is.

So if I can't explain it, give it a form, describe it's shape and color, bedazzle it with some rhinestones does that it make any less real? Maybe for you it does. For me it is just as much a part of reality as the keys on which I am typing. It could be psychosis but I figure crazy is okay when it leads to learning and loving and giving and trusting.

The most random one I can remember now is a woman by the name of Rita Wolfe, a nurse practitioner I worked with more than ten years ago. I have no idea where she is right now, if she is even alive but if she walked to my door and knocked at this very moment I would do anything in the world for her. I knew that from the very first moment I met her. She was instantly significant. I don't know why.

So how do you explain them, those people who leave a heavier footprint on your path? What is that?

Rita was maternal and nurturing. My own mother was in Indonesia but close at hand and it was not as if I had missed out on maternal guidance in my life. Then, of course, I had Nana, Slater's paternal grandmother who is nothing if she is not maternal and nurturing but all of a sudden in a little rural clinic there was this woman named Rita who had an affinity for Native American culture and a holistic approach to medical care. Her intelligence and openness were something I had witnessed previously with others yet something about Rita attracted me. It made those visits warm and special like a friend I had known for years. It was some innate knowing which told me to listen when she spoke.

I have no idea what that is and I worry less now about figuring it out. I am simply grateful for the knowing.

Kinda like I knew Kim would be a friend for life when we were eleven years old. Thanks for the salt and pepper pistachios, Kim. They were great. Or like when Angie called today to say she loved me. You are fantastic and I will always love you back. No doubt about it. Thank you. I am in awe of our connections.

I guess maybe it feels important to interject now and say that I have felt this with men in my life but realized it was more complicated. Due to my physical attraction to their species I found it hard at times to differentiate between the physical and beyond physical connection but once we got past that little hump (no pun intended) it was equally as incredible.

I think it is good to know, to have some solid facts in your life even and maybe especially when they don't have the physical attributes we give to a scientific solid. Sometimes, I guess, they seem more real than things we actually call real.

Gratitude.

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