Monday, March 28, 2011

twist

I sometimes wonder how we fit now 'cause the now is decidedly different than it was before. This is much more comfortable for me, less obtrusive or dictatorial. I have settled into a much more passive phase yet the doubt still follows me here.

There is a distinct parental freedom in saying, You are responsible for your life. Your choices are your choices, and your life's journey is a direct result of those. Yet any bump in the road still feels as if it is my fault. I could have done better, can tell you how I did a million things wrong. I welcome the blame.

She is sitting across the table from me and talking about the relationship with her boyfriend. He doesn't seem interested sexually and she desires so much more so she modifies herself and becomes more of what she thinks he wants, what society has told her he wanted and becomes even more shocked at the neglect. All I know to say is, It's not you. Yet I know how she feels.

I think about the last year of vacationing, how I have themed each week as Take Care of Yourself Week. All invited were responsible for their own happiness, a great exclamation of total selfishness. A declaration of freedom on one hand and a fuck you on the other. Not happy? Hmmmm...well you need to figure that one out 'cause I am and one of the reasons I am is because I am not responsible for your happiness.

Slater paces the room. I am seeing much more of him lately. He asks me if I've ever heard of this book, and I say no but right then and there I know it will be my next read.

Gratitude.

No comments: