Sunday, November 28, 2010

now

Now is a candle on my desk. A small flame down a cave of wax. The lights are off. Slater is here. There's sounds coming from a television in a new bedroom, new for me anyway. He is on the couch with his laptop playing games with people from all over the world. I like to think that at least a certain amount of online gaming has decreased the world's size.

Yes, I know bad messages, killing, sneaking, stealing, language, smack talk and on and on.

Maybe he needs to learn what is bad and good from me, and maybe he needs to see a little bad to know what is good. Like bad language. He will never hear anything on that game he doesn't hear from me. Potty mouth you could say. Like a Sailor (I always picture a guy in the Navy and aren't those good guys?). I think it is just a bit of the rebellious nature in me that owns those words. I like to view their power, laugh at it and then go on with my day.

Slater and I have had the swear word discussion. When he came to me about the same time I went to my Mom, around ten years old, I pretty much explained just as my Mom had.

Shelia Brady had said fuck in the fifth grade playground. I was putting on a performance of Xanadu (yes, I was the director, the female lead and I handed out everyone else's parts). Shelia Brady wanted to be the star and I had to explain to her, no, I am. What a dick I was. So justifiably Sheila Brady walked away from the production, which was only being produced during playtime anyway.

She walked across the softball field, turned back and looked at me and mouthed the words,

Fuck you.

I had never heard that word before in my life. What was that?

Looking back now it was something I deserved.

That evening the way my Mom explained it to me was, Shea, there are words you should not say.

To this I replied, Did God say not to say them? Is it in the Bible?

Well, no. It's just that people will think less of you if you say them.

I think my general thought established in that moment was, Fuck 'em.

And that's how I explained it to Slater. I said for me there were just times when it was okay and those times were when I was around people who knew me and knew those words did not contain the man made power some people gave them. I just told him there were people he couldn't say that word around.

Being a better parent was something I always struggled with, something that kept me trying to be a better parent. Here's where both Rick and Slater say, "Try not. Be."

But here's my argument to them. The debate I have with each of them.

What if try made me be?

Billy Sue is on her bed behind me. She is snoring.

Gratitude.


For those of you who have complained these have been too short lately I will try harder to make them longer. Thank you for reading.

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