Wednesday, October 6, 2010
I once joked, or at least twice jested, I could clearly drive a man to meth. Of course, I would have to pick the correct man first. Possibly a guy, who in my mind needed saving in some way. He would seem to have some incredible inner turmoil and who better than to come to the rescue than me, Ms. Salvation Complex herself. Shitty name for a superhero I know. Fitting though, I think, 'cause the complex is rather shitty itself.
Or at least that is my experience.
The problem I found is if you are a human with push, a drive within yourself which makes for an incredible roller coaster of a life ride, an extreme view of the way things could be better, more, then you can step on the snare of a trap you didn't even know you had placed for yourself.
Cold steel trap. A cage of sorts where you find yourself completely alone. Lonely, a cold, bitter lonely. Now I can better appreciate the fact that I was never so lonely as when I was married.
Until one day I had to accept the fact that the guy I could hardly even face anymore was a mirror and the only person that needed saving in the relationship was me. And I was the only one capable of doing so.
That is when I got to work.
And realized how I wanted, not needed, someone with the ability to look at me and say, No. A guy who was not willing to compromise his goals, dreams and beliefs anymore than I was willing to compromise mine. If I wanted to be allowed to be as free and beautiful as I wanted to be then I needed to stand up and look in the eyes of someone else and allow that of them.
It seems I was always learning the hard way, but you won't find many more humans more grateful for the lessons and the people who sacrificed to teach me.
As usual, the wonderful artwork displayed here is provided by my brother, Josh Miller.