Friday, September 24, 2010

bitchy

I bitched yesterday. For those of you not so familiar with the American slang I will say the verb bitching can be best defined as the act of being a bitch, or sour and ungrateful. That was me.

I was a bitch.

I was a bitch because I thought everyone around me was too needy. The first four hours of my day presented me with at least four people whose lives were not so great and thus I needed to make them greater. So what did I do? I became them and by being a bigger bitch than they were I helped them not bitch anymore.

Totally not proud of this.

Yes, there is a self in me attempting to walk around with a smile on her face the ENTIRE time. Yet then there is this other self who beat the crap out of the smiling self today. Total struggle where good lost, bad prevailed and I was a bitch.

Looking back now I will say there were highlights. I got to talk to Slater. And Kim. And Rick. And Charlie. A Shelby email. A message for my Dad. A late call from Priscilla who is obviously trying to sabotage the writing. Did you pay her to do that?

It's okay. Someone linked to me from facebook. Thank you.

The day was not a bad day. I woke up breathing and God knows I've smoked enough cigarettes.....well, let's just say MIRACLE. Seriously, the fact that we breathe this mix of elements and our bodies translate those elements into ourselves and these fellow humans we come across every day....well, yeah, MIRACLE. Or evolution. Whatever.

Anyway, we got breathing out of the way so we know it started off good, right?

Then there was coffee.

Billy Sue.

A bath.

A drive in a car along a safe path while listening to music I love.

A friend who brought me breakfast.

A distracting conversation.

A nice visit from someone new.

A lesson in patience.

Understanding that sometimes the world is just not out to fill my need for absolute and sheer joy coming to me from everyone else I meet may be essential to me not being a bitch. Those other humans around me, they're dealing with their own world and I see their point and I want to help. I feel responsible. Yet tonight as I'm writing this I think the best way for me to help is not to become them. Rather listen. Breathe. Relax. Possibly nod.

Who was it that said, "Stop carrying the world around on your shoulders. It will go on with or without you."

I'd rather it go on with me so I'll try to stop carrying it around.

Gratitude.

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